I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, what you did, getting rejected sucks. Unfortunately, we have to learn how to handle rejection because it’s part of life.
Admit it…you sang that in your head. It’s okay; your secret is safe here.
It doesn’t matter if you got passed over for a promotion, grad school turned you down, or your lover dumped you. It all packs the same nausea-inducing punch to the gut. Fortunately, there are tools you can learn and use to help lessen the blow.
How to Handle Rejection
The first step is to reframe the way you talk about and think about rejection.
You did not get rejected. Your proposal was rejected.
If you proposed going on a date and they declined, that’s okay.
If you proposed taking your relationship to the next level and they ghosted, that’s okay.
Unless you shared way too much information and downloaded your life story, they barely even know you. They are more or less a stranger, so don’t let them define you. Allow their disinterest or disapproval to roll right off your back.
Even if you proposed marriage and they ran away crying, it’s still going to be okay.
Rejection is not a reflection of you or your character.
It’s Not Personal
It wasn’t a good match, but that doesn’t mean either of you are bad people.
After a few dates, you don’t know someone well enough to make a full judgement; that’s why we always encourage our clients to give each match a minimum of three dates.
It is likely there are a number of both external and internal factors that contributed to the rejection. And you probably have control over little to none of them. For instance, maybe they’re already in a relationship, or they just got dumped.
Neither of those things have anything to do with you. It’s not that they don’t want to date you. They don’t want to date anyone. If you learn how to handle rejection, it won’t negatively affect your mood or self-esteem.
There’s a good chance it’s not even about you. Don’t spend your time worrying about things that are out of your control. On the other hand, you should be open to listening to their reason for rejecting you as well as any respectful feedback or constructive criticism.
Feel All the Feels
Dr. Winch says this suggests an evolutionary advantage to experiencing the pain of rejection.
“This phenomenon is a legacy of our hunter-gatherer past, when we lived in nomadic tribes. Back when a person couldn’t survive alone without their tribe, “rejection served as an early warning system that alerted us we were in danger of being ostracized—of being voted off the island.”
If someone reacts to your proposal with abuse or threats, if they try to belittle or degrade you—just get out of the situation as quickly and safely as you can. That alone should prove you don’t want to be with that person or anyone else who behaves that way. Don’t spend a moment of your time worrying about them or their issues.
I truly hope that hasn’t been your experience. And if you’ve ever rejected someone’s proposal in that way, shame on you.
Just because your rejection wasn’t abusive, doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Take some time to sit with your feelings.
Work on Yourself
Dr. Guy Winch is a psychologist and the author of Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts.
According to Dr. Winch, the best thing to do after a breakup is: make a list of all the negative qualities or bad habits that you didn’t appreciate about your ex. Whenever you feel sad or lonely, every time you get the urge to call, read through the list.
This will also help you to manifest positive traits in your next relationship.
It’s important to be strong in your self-esteem and confidence, otherwise every superficial interaction will have undue influence over your well-being.
On the other hand, you should be open to listening to their reason rejecting you as well as any respectful feedback. Reflect on the situation. Did you make a remark that made them uncomfortable? Did you listen to your best friend’s well-intended, but bad advice?
You can own your role in the situation, and accept responsibility. That doesn’t mean you need to blame yourself and resort to damaging internal dialogue. You’re human. You’re allowed to make mistakes. Learn to forgive yourself.
Next time, you’ll know how to handle rejection like a boss.
In the words of Ariana Grande—
Thank you, next.