Ask a Matchmaker: How to Dress for a Date
Deciding how to dress for a date?
To answer some of the most common dating questions, we sat down with The Setup’s style gurus: Genevieve Gresset, Heather Drury, and Jesse Turner. Here’s what they had to say about the power of dressing to impress.
Why is it important to dress well on a date?
Genevieve: You only get one chance to make a good first impression. On a first date, it’s important to make that one count!
Heather: Whether we realize it or not, our clothes can express things like our personality or background. Also, it’s usually one of the first things that someone notices about you.
Jesse: How you dress says a lot about you. It’s an unspoken form of communication.
Does attitude matter?
Jesse: Absolutely. Confidence is key!
Genevieve: Whatever you’re feeling in your clothes–it’s going to show. If you wore too little, you’ll feel cold. If you put on too many layers, you’ll get too hot. Maybe your date won’t notice your shivers or sweat, but these things will make you appear uncomfortable. Probably, your date will pick up on that.
Heather: It’s so important to be in the right headspace before going out on a date. Do what you need to do to get in a happy, flirtatious, and playful mood. For my female clients, I always suggest taking a moment to themselves before going out. If you can, try not to go on a date straight from work. First, go home, relax, and get in the right mood. Before a date, take a bubble bath, blast some pop music, and dance around in your room! These are fun, easy ways to help you relax and slip back into your femininity after a long day at the office.
How can I show off my personality through my clothing?
Genevieve: I have one female client who is absolutely amazing. She is a successful, independent, and strong woman with a vibrant personality. To prepare for her upcoming date, sent me five outfit options to choose from. Her friend suggested she go in the baby blue dress with a sweetheart neckline. Although she looked great in that outfit, it didn’t show off her character! I told her to go with the bolder choice–a dress exploding in bright reds and purples. This dress not only flattered her figure but honored her powerful personality as well.
Heather: I think color can be a powerful tool to express your personality without compromising your look. There’s no problem in sticking to a classic silhouette and experimenting with color.
Jesse: Your style should reflect who you are as a person. If you’re a happy, fun, person, that should be reflected in your clothing. The concept of “dressing your best” isn’t about being someone you’re not. It’s about putting your best foot forward so that you can get a second date.
What are the most common fashion mistakes you see clients make?
Genevieve: Women who are self-conscious of their size dress have a tendency to dress in all black. I’m guilty of this, too. We all have “fat” days sometimes! But, when you’re meeting someone for the first time, dressing in all black makes you look like you’re going to a funeral–not on a date.
Jesse: For some reason, a lot of my male clients love wearing socks and sandals. Men, please don’t do this! This combination instantly kills all sex appeal.
Is there such a thing as dressing appropriately for one’s age?
Jesse: Yes. There are some looks that a twenty-year-old can get away with that someone pushing 50 might want to avoid. It’s all about the context and the occasion.
Genevieve: I agree, but it’s important to dress not only for your age but for your energy as well. I recently signed up for a personal styling service called Stitch Fix. I told my stylist that I didn’t want to dress like a typical woman of my age. I wanted something mindful of my age, yes, but also my energy and lifestyle. The box she sent me was full of fun, playful, pieces that showed off my personality while still being age-appropriate.
What’s your most controversial fashion opinion?
Jesse: Hats are no go. I have one client who insists on wearing a fisherman’s cap on all his dates. After his dates, I’ll check in with his matches and ask how it went. They usually say he was nice. But, without fail, they all ask me if he is bald! This man has a head full of hair but because he was wearing the hat, that’s all his dates could think about.
Heather: And if a guy really is bald?
Jesse: Then be bald! Embrace it. Don’t try to hide it with a hat.
Genevieve: I suppose my most controversial opinion is that I actually like hats. I went on one date last summer where both of us wore hats. It made it all feel victorian and elegant. His hat was very cool!
Heather: Hats are one of those accessories where it depends on the context and situation. If you have a sense of style and you’re going for an outdoor date, then there’s no problem with donning a nice sun hat. But, if you’re sitting down at a restaurant indoors, it should be removed. It’s respectable and makes it easier to connect with your date.
What is your favorite fashion hack?
Genevieve: When it comes to dressing for a date, the best hack is to have your outfits ready to go. I tell my clients to have their go-to date looks on standby. That way, when a date comes up, you don’t have to worry about what you’re going to wear. It’s also a good idea to try on those outfits regularly. Make sure they still fit and look good on you.
Heather: Don’t get caught up following trends! Instead, focus on your individual features and stick to what works. Think about what parts of your body you feel most confident about. Try to pick clothing that highlights that part of your body and go from there. Once you figure out what clothing best compliments you and your and features, shopping becomes much easier.
Jesse: Before you go out, look in the mirror and ask yourself: “How approachable do I look in this outfit?” or “What does this outfit say about me?” If you want to make a great first impression on your date, thinking critically about your clothing is a good first step.
How do you help your clients to get out of their fashion comfort zone?
Genevieve: Wear it at home! Take pictures of yourself to see how you look from different angles. Maybe you like a certain outfit, but need some time getting used to it. That’s when you can wear it out for a night out with friends. Never use the first date to try out an outfit you’ve never worn before. Take it for a test run with friends or at home so that you get used to how you feel in it.
Jesse: I’ve always been slim. So, growing up, people would always comment on my size by telling me to eat a burger or something like that. thinking that it would disguise my frame, I started wearing baggy clothes. At the time, that type of clothing felt like a shield protecting me from other people’s judgments. Later in life, I switched up my style and started wearing tailored shirts and pants that actually fit. Now, I get compliments all the time on my style. I am more confident now that I’ve embraced my authentic self and started dressing in a way that actually compliments my figure–not hides it. So, I tell this to clients if I sense they need an extra push. Once you make that change, you’ll never regret it.
Heather: Just try it on! You don’t have to buy it. And if you do buy it, you don’t have to wear it. Just like meeting new people, you’ll just never know until you try.
I’m still learning the fashion basics. At what point can I trust my own sense of style?
Jesse: I think when you start to notice other people complimenting your style, that’s when you can feel confident in your choices. This is not to say that you should rely on the validation of others, but it is a good point of reference.
Genevieve: Your first inclination might be to seek the opinion of others. But, family and friends aren’t always trustworthy in these things. If they think something looks bad on you, they might find it hard to tell you the truth. As matchmakers, we have no problem being brutally honest. That’s what we’re here to do! So, take advantage of us as a resource. Send us photos and we will give you honest feedback.
Heather: The more you try something new, the more it becomes a part of who you are. If you ever feel insecure about a look, we are here to help.
March Madness: How to Get Off the Dating Crazy Train
Some people say that love brings out the best of us. Other times, it can make us feel like we’re losing our minds.
Consider this experience:
“I thought Mark and I had really hit it off on our first date last night, but he never texted me after saying goodbye. After waiting all morning for him to make the first move, I finally broke down and I texted him at 1 PM. Every minute that passed, I felt more anxious. Even though it was a busy day at work, I could not focus. I was constantly checking my phone to see if he had replied or, at least, read my message. Why does he not text me back? I’m furious. I just sent him another message telling him to not even bother contacting me anymore.”
Let’s break it down.
Despite only knowing each other for one date, this young woman is extremely distressed about Mark’s lack of communication. She becomes so preoccupied that she can no longer focus at work. The anxiety eventually consumes her to the point of anger. Although it’s unclear why Mark hasn’t replied, she lashes out at him, preventing any chance of a future together.
If you’ve ever experienced anything like this, you’re not alone. In fact, many psychologists agree that it’s quite common to lose a sense of reality upon entering into a new relationship.
In her Tedx Talk, Mindful Love: How to Stay Off the Dating Crazy Train, relationship coach, Katie Hoffman, explained how love activates our brain’s addiction chemicals. The result can make us feel out of control of our thoughts and actions.
While it’s normal to feel a little delusional in love, the danger with being ‘crazy’ is when the romantic imagination turns toxic, jealous, or insecure.
Ready to get off the Dating Crazy Train? Here’s how to maintain your sanity while in love.
Addicted to love
Are you crazy in love?
It’s not just Beyonce who agrees. Science also says it’s true.
A few years back, a team of scientists led by Dr. Helen Fisher at Rutgers conducted a study to see what makes us act so strange in love.
What they discovered was that the participants who were “in love” showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that create dopamine and norepinephrine. These two feel-good chemicals are responsible for the brain’s energy and racing thoughts.
If you’ve ever stayed up all night replaying all the perfect moments after a romantic date with your sweetheart, that’s the dopamine and norepinephrine working.
To get the full scope of the ups and downs of love, Dr. Fisher also studied participants who were going through a breakup.
The results of the study showed that during rejection, the same parts of the brain that were activated while “in love” were practically burning with fire during a breakup. During romantic rejection, however, those previously feel-good chemicals, dopamine, and norepinephrine took a dark turn.
Instead of endless energy and fantasies, patients reported sleepless nights, obsessive thoughts, and excessive stress and anxiety.
Interestingly enough, both the brains that were in love and heartbroken showed the same areas of activity of someone high on cocaine.
If you’ve ever felt yourself acting out of character while in a relationship, understand that your brain might be playing tricks on you.
Whether you’re feeling crazy in love, or just plain crazy, it might feel impossible to mentally sober up before acting out.
Practice Mindfulness
If you’ve ever attended a yoga class or just eaves-dropped a conversation within a Whole Foods, odds are you’ve heard of the word ‘mindfulness’ before.
Mindfulness, however, is more than just a meaningless, wellness buzzword. The practice of mindfulness is proven to decrease levels of anxiety and stress.
So, what is mindfulness?
Simply put, mindfulness is the gentle awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment at all times.
In relationships, mindfulness is extremely helpful because it forces us to pause, reflect, and assess the reality of a situation before reacting to stressful triggers.
When a romantic partner says or does something that hurts us, mindfulness helps us to break down both their intentions and our feelings about them.
So, the next time you receive a disappointing text message from your partner, take a moment to reflect before reacting.
Ask yourself:
- What exactly about this is so upsetting?
- Is it the words they used?
- How long it took for them to reply?
- Is there something deeper going on that I am ignoring?
While it might not seem like much, knowing exactly why you’re upset is essential to mental clarity.
Writing down your thoughts within a journal is a great way to practice mindfulness. Try to describe the situation and your feelings with as much accuracy as possible.
Release your feelings on paper without the fear of judgment. You might find that after writing your thoughts down, you can replace the craziness with inner peace.
Talk it out
A common misconception within relationships is that expressing disagreements to your partner is what makes you look crazy. That couldn’t be further from the truth.
Nothing is more crazy-making than being unable to express something that really upsets you.
When it comes to maintaining your sanity within a relationship, communication is key.
Before going to your partner, take time to process your feelings on your own. Make sure you can properly articulate your thoughts before approaching them to talk.
Try to speak calmly and with respect. Avoid interrupting and insulting your partner, even if they don’t seem to understand at first. Be patient as you explain why you feel the way you feel.
A loving partner will appreciate your ability to express yourself with consideration towards their feelings, despite you being hurt by them.
Hoping off the Crazy Dating Train
When it comes to maintaining your sanity in relationships, a little self-awareness, mindfulness, and communication go a long way.
Remember that, if your partner really cares for you, they would never mean to hurt you. A loving partner wants to understand all of your feelings–the good and the bad. It’s important that you can be vulnerable enough to open up about how you really feel.
When problems arise in dating, take a moment to reflect before you react. While some madness is inevitable (thanks, brain!) a little bit of mindfulness can help.
Before you know it, you’ll have hopped off the dating crazy train once and for all.
New Year’s Resolutions? 5 Dating Habits to Drop in 2022
Did you hear the news? The iconic Times Square Ball Drop is back this New Year’s Eve, allowing in-person guests for the first time since the pandemic.
Like many years before, viewers from across the country will be tuning in, gathering ‘round, and counting down the seconds to the live ball drop. Commemorating the past and celebrating the future, this cherished event is a wonderful way of welcoming in the coming change of the new year.
In honor of this iconic annual event, we’ve come up with a list of resolutions to drop–that is, to eliminate–out of your routine for 2022.
Based on the scientific research within Dr. Terri L. Orbuch’s book, Finding Love Again, we’ve rounded-up a list of five common culprits that are proven to either make or break a date.
Ready for this to be your best dating year yet? Here are our top habits to DROP in 2022.
Drop: Believing in Relationship Myths
Even Aphrodite herself would agree with this one–when it comes to setting ourselves up for relationship success, it’s important to face the facts.
According to Dr. Orbuch, there are some relationship and dating myths that are just as harmful to achieving our dating goals as they are widely accepted in society.
Often reinforced by Hollywood, the media, or well-intentioned friends, these popular misconceptions often cost us the opportunity to form long-lasting relationships.
This new year, stop setting unrealistic expectations for your love life by dropping the myths.
Drop: The Emotional Baggage from Your Past
Every new year is a subtle reminder that, whether we like it or not, time is moving on–and we should, too.
Whether you can’t stop thinking about your ex, or still hurt from the pain from past relationships, carrying the weight of what was will only get in the way of accepting the good that is still to come.
Take time to heal the mountains of hurt in your heart and stop checking up on your previous partners. These habits only get in the way of finding happy, healthy relationships in the future.
If you’re still holding on to emotional baggage from your past, 2022 is your year to let go.
Drop: Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places
Contrary to popular belief, the best place to meet someone is not at a bar or a party.
According to the research in Dr. Orbuck’s book, Finding Love Again, the majority of the married couples she studied met while going about their normal, daily routines. Whether through mutual friends, work, social settings–like church or sports games–or serendipitously bumping into one another at the grocery store, the most compatible couples tend to meet in everyday circumstances.
While online dating has risen in popularity over the years, it still remains a risk towards users’ safety, energy, and money.
Our advice?
Stop wasting time swiping left and drop the disappointing dates for good. You’ll have a higher chance of finding love by skipping the bars and, instead, simply focusing on yourself. However, if you really want to increase your odds at finding love, call in the professionals.
Drop: Your comfort zone
Research shows that in times of stress, sadness, or unhappiness, our brains find the most comfort in old routines.
Viewing the familiar as safe and secure, it’s easy to slip back into old habits that aren't necessarily in line with the future we imagine for ourselves.
If you’re just coming out of a breakup or a tough period, and find yourself slowly slipping into a rut of familiarity, it’s time to make a plan of action.
So, instead of unwinding after a long day by binging your favorite shows on Netflix, take a moment to reflect on your life and the goals you’d like to achieve this year. List them on a piece of paper, along with the specific steps you’ll have to take to achieve each goal.
For example, if your 2022 goal is to make more friends, write down some activities that will help you to get yourself out there. Volunteering, attending workshops, or trying out for an amateur sports league are all great ways to network.
When you’ve finished your list, pin it somewhere in your space that’s highly visible. That way, each time you pass by, your list of goals will be impossible to miss.
As the year goes on, try to take a few minutes a day to reflect on the goals you set out for yourself. Be sure to hold yourself accountable. Are you taking the steps that you promised you’d take?
If you want to make the most out of 2022, create a plan of action and stick to it.
Drop: Finding your own dates
We’ve already covered where to stop looking for love–but what if you stopped the search entirely?
Look, dating requires a lot of work–from getting ready for the event, to getting to know the other person… not to mention just finding someone to go out with in the first place!
What if you could stop swiping, stop searching, and still go out with quality, like-minded singles?
Matchmakers make it possible. We do all the work for you, allowing you to drop the dating games and dedicate all that extra time and energy for yourself.
Stop exerting your emotional energy with players who aren’t interested in anything more than casual dates. All of our clients at The Setup are commitment-minded and serious about finding the right long-term partner for their lives.
With a matchmaker, you can date with ease, knowing that each potential match has been screened, interviewed, and hand-selected based on your core values and preferences.
New Year, New You
Whether you’re watching the Ball Drop, celebrating with friends, or counting down for a kiss with your special someone, be sure to reign in the new year with your intentions set clearly ahead.
This new year, it’s time to date smarter, not harder. Don’t stress yourself out with making momentous resolutions. You can make just as big of an impact on your love life by dropping a handful of harmful habits and switching them out for something better.
Single Survivor Guide for Thanksgiving
Oh, Thanksgiving. The annual Fall feast of gratitude and gravy is right around the corner. As a kid, it used to be one of my favorite holidays—a long weekend off of school, watching football with my uncles, and the smell of mom’s warm pecan pie filling the kitchen air.
Nowadays, however, this time of year can be a bit tricky, especially for singles. If you’re a perpetual Thanksgiving loner, this season can be downright depressing.
Find yourself dreading showing up dateless to this year’s festivities? Check out my four favorite tips for surviving this Thanksgiving as a singleton.
Prepare your answer: “Are You Seeing Anyone?”
If you’ve been alone for a hot minute, maybe you’ve experienced that brief moment of despair while looking into the mirror and thought to yourself: “Why am I still single?”
Trust me, we’ve all been there. It’s hard wondering why you still haven’t found The One, but absolutely nothing compares to the searing sting that’s felt when someone else says it to you—especially a family member.
So, how can you deal with those well-intentioned, yet, annoying questions and remarks you’re bound to hear from your family? Unfortunately, the answer is NOT to hit your great-aunt Bertha over the head with a Turkey wing.
Before crafting the perfect response, it’s important to remember that your nosey loved ones probably mean well.
Take their prying as thickly-veiled compliments, as they couldn’t imagine why someone as young, attractive, and fun as you could continue going solo. After all, they just want the best for you.
It’s also entirely possible that their questions are just a way for them to stir up some small talk, trying to catch up with your life—“How’s work? Seen any good movies lately? Oh, by the way, where’s your date?”
No matter the motivation, questions about your love life are… uncomfortable, to say the least—especially if they’re always asked by the same few people or delivered in the form of some kind of recurring joke.
Let your family know that, despite being single, you’re not depressed. In fact, you’re happy! If they sense that you’re enjoying life, they might slow down a bit with their concerned comments, allowing you to redirect the conversation towards more interesting aspects of your life.
To show off your confidence, you can say:
“I’m having such a blast on my own right now. Did you hear about my last-minute trip to Mexico?”
“Maybe someday I’ll meet someone, but right now I’m rocking the single life!”
Feeling snarky? Here’s a few responses that turn the tables around and put that pesky prober in their place:
“Yeah, I'm still single! I’m just not willing to settle like most people do.”
“Hmm. I’ve never thought about it, actually. Why did you get married?”
Host a Friendsgiving
The idea of confronting your rude relatives is still too much to handle? Maybe it’s time to skip the family feast and apt for a Friendsgiving instead.
Whether it’s to flee from the family theatrics, or to enjoy a sense of community while far from home, this holiday alternative is a favorite for singles still in the mood to celebrate.
Modern life has pulled millennials in all sorts of directions, and oftentimes, that means living alone and far from home. However, being a family-of-one doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy some family-style fun.
Many singles find that their friends offer just as much comfort and support as their relatives, if not more. Hosting a Friendsgiving is a perfect opportunity to show your closest circle just how much they mean to you.
Whether you’re an experienced entertainer or first-time friendsgiver, it’s best to plan ahead. Let your pals know ASAP so they can carve out the time for turkey. When it comes to decor, keep it simple. If you’re in the mood to splurge, focus on the food.
Feel free to pick a culinary theme that’s totally untraditional (this is Friendsgiving, after all. Anything goes). Yet, keep in mind your guests’ preferences. All your friends are health nuts? Try plant-based versions of the holiday’s staple plates. Are they world-traveling, Insta-influencers? Prepare foods from around the globe and ask your friends to guess their origins. Those who choose correctly get to take home a goody bag of treats!
While cooking can be a fun part of the evening’s preparation, it’s also a lot of work. No one will judge you if you opt for take-out, instead. This is a holiday for you, too. So, make sure you enjoy it. Friendsgiving can be just as fun by ordering in some Uber-Eats and watching reruns of The Office with your besties.
Plan a Special Activity
If you’re new to a city or, for some other reason, find yourself single and alone on Thanksgiving—don’t worry. There are still tons of ways to make the fourth Thursday of the month worth remembering.
Most people get the holiday off work so, I’ve got to ask: wanna get outta here? Whether a quick jet-set to Europe or exploring a neighboring town, a long weekend is just enough time to get your Eat, Pray, Love on. It might sound crazy, but why not? Traveling solo can be even more rewarding than going with friends. Plus, you never know what kind of cool and interesting people you might meet.
If traveling isn’t possible or just not your thing, why not sign up for a Turkey Trot? Most major cities host annual Thanksgiving runs with varying distances from 5k, 10k, and sometimes marathons.
If you’re like me, Thanksgiving is synonymous with lounging on the couch in a cranberry sauce-stained sweater while watching the Macy’s Day Parade on TV—basically the antithesis of any sort of physical exertion. However, getting your buns out of bed early Thursday morning and heading off to the races might be just what the doctor ordered.
A bit of exercise and fresh air can be even better for the soul than Grandma’s special stuffing. Even if you’re not athletically inclined, there is something undeniably wonderful about being part of a large group of people that are all running together towards a common goal. Talk about a sense of community!
For extra feel-goodness, try to find a race that supports a good cause, like Run to Feed the Hungry, for example, which raises funds and awareness about hunger in the community. With this marked on your calendar, you’ll look forward to the holiday with excitement, knowing that you’re doing something great for both yourself and others.
If beating the holiday blues with a runner’s high is simply not your thing, volunteering at a local charity center is an excellent way to spend the special day.
Studies show that volunteer work is great for combating depression, anxiety, and feelings of loneliness. There’s nothing like doing something special for others to put your own life in perspective. Research some local volunteer opportunities where you can donate your time or money for a good cause. By focusing on doing small acts of kindness, you will feel the true spirit of Thanksgiving.
Focus on the Positive
If you’re feeling lonely this Thanksgiving, remember: you’re not alone. The holidays can be hard, especially if you’re going through them without a partner by your side. At its core, Thanksgiving is about expressing our gratitude for the good in life and for those that we love the most. By focusing on the positive, you can do more than survive this Thanksgiving--you can enjoy it, too.
At The Setup, we want to help you through all the challenges of single life. But, if you’re serious about finding that special someone, these tips are just a temporary fix.
Ready for this Thanksgiving to be the last holiday you’ll attend alone? ‘Tis the season to make a change. To meet your special someone by Christmas, sign up today!
Third Time’s a Charm: How the 3 Date Rule Makes Dating a Breeze
Here at The Setup, we’re dedicated to giving you the tools of empowerment you need for the sometimes scary journey that is dating. Dating should be something easy and fun. However, self-sabotage and bad advice are two common hurdles that get in the way of building successful relationships.
Let’s break down some dating strategies and figure out how to start a fun and fruitful dating journey.
What's the first thing anyone can do when beginning this journey?
Speak to professionals. Where do you normally go for dating advice? Most often, people seek dating tips from their friends, family members, or even co-workers. Though they mean well, they usually end up giving bad advice.
For example, if you're speaking to grandparents about dating, there is the possibility that they’ve not dated within this century. Dating dynamics have changed drastically in the last 10 years. Now, throughout quarantine and the global pandemic, we've seen even more drastic changes within the dating industry.
Evidence show that nowadays, people are more anxious, lonely, and stressed than ever. Both quarantine and remote work are two recent factors that have caused otherwise content singles to consider coupling up quickly. Many people currently feel immense pressure to find love and companionship and therefore try to take a fast track into relationships.
If you’d like to avoid any more unnecessary confusion, worry and stress throughout your dating process, our best advice is to speak to the right people from the get-go. Seek advice from professionals who have the credentials to back up what they're saying.
The Magic Number 3
We’re all aware of the many dating strategies that have floated in and out of popularity. Which ones actually work?
3 Day Rule
The “3 Day Rule” goes like this: after you finish a date with someone you must wait three days until you call them back. By waiting this amount of time, you supposedly appear less desperate and more attractive to the other person.
This strategy essentially tunes into the idea of playing “hard to get.” However, in modern dating this strategy is no longer relevant nor effective. If anything, it is more harmful to your dating journey.
Quite counterproductively, this strategy paints you as uncertain, hesitant, or uninterested. No longer do we live in a time where romance goes slow. Allow yourself the indulgence of dating and communicate with your potential partner freely. Don’t bind yourself within this outdated rule.
The modern dating world does not fare well with the “3 Day Rule.” This unhealthy method of beginning a relationship often ignites thoughts of insecurity and doubt in your date.
So, do yourself a favor and leave this “strategy” in the past.
Wait Until Date 3 To Get Physical
The idea behind this strategy is that after date three it is acceptable to become intimate with the person you are dating. It insinuates the idea that you are finally good enough to not be abandoned or thought of as “loose” because you waited three dates.
Countless amounts of research and years of expertise proves that this idea can be emotionally dangerous. By placing too much pressure on the relationship too soon, many partners find themselves feeling unnecessarily anxious and begin to overthink almost immediately in the relationship.
By the third date you are more than likely just beginning to truly understand the person your date, still figuring out if the feelings you have with them can spur into something deep and meaningful. Don’t get lost in the whirlwind of premature physicality—keep it cool and take things slow.
If you find yourself considering a third-date hooking up, take a moment to consider your long-term goals while dating. What do you really want? A fun night of lost inhibitions and pleasure? Or to genuinely get to know your date, understand their deepest desires, and maybe, if all goes well, build a future with them?
Getting physical early on might be fun, but it can also cloud your judgement as the relationship continues. For example, getting caught up in lust for the person could cause you to ignore major red flags or obvious differences in you and your date’s core values. While lust is an important aspect in dating it is impossible to build a lasting foundation from lust alone.
Our advice is to bury this strategy, and never look at it again. By taking out the pressure of intimacy, you allow your feelings to grow naturally for the other person. This will make your relationship stronger, your feelings deeper, and leave you with peace of mind.
3 Date Rule
The idea behind this strategy is to go on a minimum of three dates with your current match or possible partner before making the decision to continue/stop dating them.
The 3 Date Rule is a method to break unhealthy pressure and anxiety-based patterns that we have placed on ourselves in modern dating.
This strategy gives you a clear action plan to follow that takes off the pressure of early dating and give you steps to follow throughout your dating journey. It aims to help you understand the other person and yourself and see if there is a possibility of going steady.
There is no doubt in our mind that the 3 Date Rule benefits those who utilize it.
So, what is the 3-date rule, exactly?
Date 1: Keep it light
The first date should be light-hearted, focusing on simply getting to know each other. This means the date should not be more than 2 hours, and it should be in a less formal place such as a coffeehouse or brunch.
The modern “conveyor belt” type of dating—the quick interview-like conversation of back-and-forth questions—gives you no room to discover your match. Try to know a bit more than just a bullet point list of basic facts.
Keep the conversation light and keep an open mind!
Date 2: Have fun!
Find out if you can have fun together. Date two is about laughing. Focus more on values and hobbies.
The activity-based part of the second date will allow you to get to know this person while you're in a more comfortable and laid-back mood while your focus is on something else. Go bowling, hiking, mini golfing. Museums and sporting events are also great ideas.
Date 3: Wine and Dine
Get dressed up and go on a date dinner and a show. Allow this date to be where the romance steps in and takes the wheel. Lust can happen on date one, but date three is where you understand if that visual element can evolve into love.
Do you want to go steady?
After the third date sit down with yourself, process your feelings, and ask yourself: “Is this someone I can go exclusive with?”
Deciding to move forward with your date is the first step to building a strong, long-lasting foundation of forever. On the other hand, if you feel this person isn’t quite right for you, cut things off then and there. You can leave with confidence knowing that you tried your best, while refusing to waste time with an incompatible partner. Now, understanding your feelings and wants with more clarity, you can take what you’ve learned as you move into the next journey with your newest match.
Where did the 3-date rule come from?
There are only 12 Master Certified Matchmakers in the World—and Genevieve Gresset is one of the best. She has spent over 25 years coaching, mentoring, and matching single professionals all around the world.
Genevieve created the 3 Date rule when she noticed that her clients didn’t last more than 10 minutes into their first date. How? Having paired them based off their similar interests, relationship goals, and life values, Genevieve knew they should have matched better. She found, however, that many of her clients enter their dates with both anxiety and judgment, inhibiting them from investing in the opportunity before them.
When she began instituting the 3 Date Rule for her clients she found an immediate increase in long-lasting relationships and healthier connections between people leading to the majority of the first ground of clients getting married.
The Best Dating Strategy
Applying the 3 Date Rule by Genevieve has helped thousands of clients go out on more dates and find lasting relationship success.
Throw away those other tips that forces you to move slowly into a relationship— Genevieve suggests three dates within two weeks.
The method works by eliminating insecurity—the annoying, yet universal feeling that makes modern dating is so difficult. The 3 Date Rule keeps dates moving quickly, focusing on foundation-building and relationship investment while prioritizing maintaining a clear mind and feelings.
Here at The Setup, we do dating differently. We combine years of experience, face-to-face matchmaking, with coaching and a member portal full of exclusive content. We are here to ensure you have a fun, happy, and successful dating journey. Start at The Setup today!
3 Tips for Dating As a Single Mom
Dating as a single mom is tricky enough without all the bad behavior we see online these days. As a single mom, you tend to consider the impact felt by your children before you even pause to think about your own feelings, but you deserve love and happiness too!
You should be as honest with your kids as possible when you’re ready to put yourself back out there since your decisions affect them directly. Even when you know instinctively you’re making the right move—they won’t always react the way you hope. So, do your best to prepare them for the coming changes so they don’t feel quite so off-kilter if and when they meet their future step-siblings.
1. Manifest a Whole Family
Ron L. Dean, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, suggests you sketch out the silhouette of what your perfect family would look like. Don’t just manifest your dream date, go a little further. Imagine the ideal home you hope to create with this person.
Do you want more kids? Would your imaginary husband bring his own children into the relationship to create a blended family or is he flying solo? Is there a limit to the number of kids he has or the more the merrier? Are you open to having more children with him? How many?
Committing to this exercise will help you develop a blueprint in your mind. Keep in mind: this is only a guideline it will change overtime. This is meant to be a tool to help you discover what you want out of life, not to be used to get in your own way.
Lillian and Clay each have a son and a daughter from previous marriages. When Lillian drew up her ideal family, she decided she only wanted one more child, if any. When she met Clay, her plan evolved to include both of his children, and she was happy to become a mom of four. But she quickly found out that even her evolved family didn’t mesh with Clay’s vision for the future. You see, Clay has his heart set on having five biological children.
If you do the quick math, that would mean Lillian would need to have three more kids with Clay. I would never reveal a lady’s age, but she’s tip-toeing the line of what would be considered a geriatric pregnancy. Not to mention: the gap between her original goal of 2-3 kids and Clay’s desire for 5-7.
You know how they say sometimes love isn’t enough? If your dreams and your partner's dreams are in direct conflict with one another, and neither of you are willing to compromise—a breakup is imminent.
2. Trust Your Intuition
This guy has to mesh into your entire life, and that means your kids’ lives too. If you sense something is off between him and your children, don’t ignore it. You should expect some growing pains as you transition a new person into your lives, but don’t dismiss real red flags.
Unless you have a pre-arranged agreement with their father, there is no set timeline for when you should introduce a romantic partner to your kids. Every relationship is different, and every child is unique. Only you can know when it’s the right time to bring them together.
It can be hard introducing friends and family but introducing children is always more difficult and can be hard for all parties concerned and very nerve wracking. It is also the most important decision you can make. Only introduce children if you are 100% sure that the new relationship is stable and serious enough to warrant the introduction. It can be very unsettling for children if they are introduced to many potential partners, the children should not be used as part of the vetting process. They should be the most important ones to consider when making the introduction and if they are not ready to meet the new partner, don’t push it. Always work at the child’s pace.”
-Genevieve Gresset, Master Certified Matchmaker & Relationship Expert
You don’t want to rush it and introduce every single first date you go on. A revolving door of strange men can feel confusing and scary for a little one, especially if they get attached to guys who don’t stick around. On the other hand, you don’t want to find yourself head over heels in love just to realize your kids hate the guy. You have to find the balance that works for your family.
One single mom suggests introducing male companions to the kids as a platonic friend. That way you can see how they engage and interact with him without being confused. If everyone gets along and things continue to progress, you can explain that you’ve decided to move out of the friend zone toward a more romantic relationship.
3. Ditch the Single Mom Guilt
Take a deep, cleansing yoga breath.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Say this with me—I am a single mom, and I deserve happiness too. I’m allowed to feel sexy and take some time for myself. I’m going to treat myself to a new dress to wear on my setup.
Now pour yourself a glass of wine; you’ve earned it.
"Kids need a healthy relationship role model. There’s pressure for moms to be born-again virgins, and sacrifice everything for their children. While this might sound noble, children learn a lot by observation, and it doesn’t teach kids what a good relationship—or dating life—looks like. I never wanted my kids to choose to stay home because they worried about me being lonely. It’s important that kids don't feel responsible for their mother’s social life. Plus, going out without kids on occasion gave me more patience with them when we were home together."
-Lara Lillibridge, Author of Mama, Mama, Only Mama: An Irreverent Guide for the Newly Single Parent—From Divorce and Dating to Cooking and Crafting, All While Raising the Kids and Maintaining Your Own Sanity (Sort Of)
According to Lara Lillibridge, dating as a single mom is similar to what dating was like as a teenager. You occasionally sneak out after everyone’s asleep, with a babysitter, of course. And you don’t want to be overheard on the phone, or caught canoodling on the couch.
If single mom guilt keeps you on homework duty in the evenings and you can’t bear to be away from them, consider utilizing the time you don’t have the kids more efficiently. Plan dates when they’re with their father, at practice, or sleeping over at a friend’s house. Schedule lunches throughout the week while they’re at school. Get creative with your time management and the kids will never miss you!
Men Have a Biological Clock Too
Most people have heard the expression geriatric pregnancy. It’s the heinous medical terminology pregnant women over the age of 35 get. I’m only 30 and I’m already offended. But what you probably didn’t know is that men have a biological clock too.
"Eventually I believe we will have the research to show that when it comes to fathering a child, time isn't always on a man's side."
-Jeremy Silverman, PhD
35 is the Magic Number
It’s a long-held belief that men can father children well into middle-age and beyond, while women hit their peak fertility age in their 20s. But recent research shows that sperm count and mobility drastically decrease with age. In fact, studies show the male reproductive system begins breaking down around the age of 35 as well.
Not only can poor sperm quality affect the fetus and ultimately the child, but it also puts the mother at greater risk of developing complications during her pregnancy and delivery. The study found that men 45 and older can experience decreased fertility and put the mother at risk for increased pregnancy complications such as gestational diabetes, preeclampsia and preterm labor.
Infants born to older dads were found to be at higher risk of premature birth, stillbirth, and low birth-weight. There is also an increased chance of newborn seizures and birth defects such as congenital heart disease and cleft palate. As they aged, these children had an increased likelihood of cancer, psychiatric impairments, cognitive disorders, and autism.
Columbia University studied nearly 100K births and concluded: the older a man is when he conceives a child, the more likely his partner is to experience a miscarriage, even if she is young, healthy, and has no other risk factors.
Men Have a Biological Clock & It's Ticking
The study also found that older men struggled with fertility issues even if their partner was under 25. The problem is, nobody is talking about it, so most people don’t even know that men have a biological clock, much less that it’s ticking away under our noses.
According to Gloria Bachmann, Director of the Women’s Health Institute at Rutgers Robert Wood Johnson Medical School—women tend to be more aware and educated than men about their reproductive health. As she says, “Most men do not consult with physicians unless they have a medical or fertility issue.”
Bachmann recommends physicians counsel older men as they do older women on increased risks and ways to mitigate them.
If you want to delay fatherhood, consider preserving a specimen to decrease the probability of complications later. It’s a much simpler, and less invasive process than it is for a woman to freeze her eggs, so look into it. If you know you want kids someday, consider it a solid investment in your future and your childrens’ futures.
Next thing you know, you’ll be saving for college.
It Might Not be All About Age
“There is definitely evidence of weaknesses in the DNA of sperm as a man ages. And this could be the result of a weakness anywhere in the sperm-making system, from the copying mechanisms necessary to turn out new sperm every day, to the natural ability of the body to correct mistakes in that copying process, or really, any step along the way; any or all could become defective as a man ages.”
-Karine Kleinhaus, MD, PhD & Researcher at Columbia University
Dave McCulloh, PhD, Embryologist & Director of Laboratory Services suggests that a decline in the health of the male reproductive system has less to do with aging and more to do with environmental exposures to things like radiation, carcinogens, alcohol abuse, smoking, drug use, etc.
Regardless of the cause, more and more research backs up the argument that men have a biological clock too. So if you’ve been putting off fatherhood, now is the time to take control of your future before you run out of options.
Of course, another option is to let us set you up with the love of your life and start making babies the old fashioned way. We can introduce you to the mother of your children.
Are You Ready to Put Yourself Out There?
Before you decide to put yourself out there again, think about what it is that you are really seeking. And if you don’t know, maybe this will help you consider defining what you are looking for in the first place.
Chances are, you have tried to put yourself out there in one form or another. Maybe you tried a matchmaking service or posting an online profile. Perhaps, you ventured out in public with the intent to meet someone.
People can be nomadic, roaming from various forums to find someone to connect with on whatever the level they can. She may be quick to seek out a companion, but often less hasty to define why or what she truly wants.
Don't Put Yourself Out There for Just Anybody
For starters, if their dating profile says any iteration of the following—do yourself a favor and run.
I’m recently divorced, so I’m just seeing what’s out there. I’m not really sure what I want.
This is a red flag. If it’s your desire to find a lasting relationship, don’t waste your time on someone who is just playing the field.
It is easy to assume when someone openly discusses being single or talks about being lonely, that he or she in fact, wants a companion. But, that can mean different things to different people, so you need to define the context.
Clarify expectations before you ever meet someone. This will go a long way in deciphering if it is even worth getting gussied up. Find out if they’re looking for a relationship or just a body to fill in the void of loneliness.
So many of us have been siloed because of the COVID Pandemic. What we’re craving now more than ever, is connectivity to one another. Unfortunately, this often causes people to act out with attention seeking behavior.
Attention Seeking Behavior
Desiring the attention of others is simply the need to be heard or validated by another. It’s an intrinsic Maslovian need all humans share. But just because someone displays attention seeking behavior, it does not necessarily mean they want a relationship.
As we slowly transition back to our semi-normal lives, a lot of people have blurred the lines between truly wanting a relationship and just seeking attention. We have all lived in a bubble lacking the simple interactions that we used to take for granted.
Interacting with someone at the post office or talking to the salesclerk at our favorite store, perhaps greeting the Principal as we dropped our kids off at school—all these routine communications helped with the balance sheet we all have that tracks our need for human interaction.
For many people, these tedious interactions fed our appetite for attention, even when we weren’t consciously processing them as such.
But living for the last year without those day-to-day errands or interactions in our lives, our inherent nature to be validated in even the smallest of ways has met a deficit. These interactions for many have become extinct, forcing our attention balance sheets into the red.
This has created an influx of daters on the scene with varying intentions. You don’t want to put yourself out there with individuals who have both clear and murky intentions.
A Relationship Won't Fix All Your Problems
Be sure to clarify their intent before meeting. Are they looking for attention or a relationship?
A relationship is presumed to include positive and affirming attention. Although successful relationships are built on attentivity to one’s partner, it should not be construed that every relationship has this successful pairing. Meaning, if you have a relationship, you will therefore reap attention from your partner.
In fact, marriages often fail because a partner feels disconnected, isolated, or alone. This leads to a breakdown in communication, and lack of such. Much of this is tied to simply not paying attention to one’s partner and validating him or her in a positive way.
Keep in mind no one puts themselves out there without having some reason in mind for doing so. Do not be fooled. Often singles will say they do not know what they want, but put themselves in the peripheral of others who are fully in touch with their desires.
Think about what motivated you to put yourself out there in the first place. Were you looking for true love or a bit of validation?
It is okay to be lonely, it is okay to want a relationship, it is okay to simply want the attention of another. Simply own it and say so. Put yourself out there and be honest about exactly what you want.
So, speak your truth, regardless of your intentions. Align yourself with a partner seeking the same as you. No one can fault you for being honest.
Why Should You Join The Setup?
Most people have never considered hiring a Matchmaker before; that’s okay! We understand that this is a complicated product that requires a time investment as much as a financial investment. That scares a lot of people away. Today I want to tell you why you should join The Setup!
But think of it this way, dating in any capacity requires time and effort to achieve any sense of success. If we’re being honest, that’s true for most things in life.
What are your alternatives? Endless hours spent swiping on random profiles? Let your mom set you up again? Speed dating?
In actuality, when you join The Setup, we a lot of the work off your shoulders. We do all the behind-the-scenes work to curate your introductions. All you have to do is show up and be yourself.
In his book, The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell introduces the concept of Connectors.
“The point about Connectors is that by having a foot in so many different worlds, they have the effect of bringing them all together.”
Our Matchmakers are natural Connectors. They cross social circles to facilitate introductions among people who share mutual goals or values.
Invest in the Important Things
“Why would I hire a Matchmaker? I’m perfectly capable of setting up my own dates.”
There are tons of online tax services out there, but people still hire accountants. It’s perfectly normal to consult a professional about something that could potentially alter your life. We’re dating experts. Our staff is specially trained and certified to help you find a compatible life partner.
You can’t be great at everything all the time. Most of our clients kick ass in their careers and other areas, but struggle where their love lives are concerned.
You know how right before you start a new fitness routine, you invest in new sneakers and workout clothes to get your mind in the right place? This helps you mentally commit to the new regimen.
Anyone can flippantly swipe through the apps with no real investment. But you know anyone we set you up with has been thoroughly interviewed and screened and invested as much into the process as you have. They’ve worked with their Matchmaker to plan out their goals and dream up their ideal partner, and somehow, you fit into that mold.
When you join The Setup, you are saying that finding love is a priority in your life.
Ask Us the Awkward Questions
If you need help picking out an outfit for your date, or analyzing something they said over dessert, we’re here for that too!
Want to get out of your own way and overcome some deal-breakers?
Your friends and family mean well, but sometimes their advice sucks. Leave it to the professionals! Your Personal Dating Assistant (PDA) is available throughout the process to help make your dating experience as stress-free and successful as possible.
Don’t forget we conduct background screens and in-depth interviews before taking on a new client, so we know who we’re setting you up with. #Nocreepsallowed So what are you waiting for? Ready to put your love life in the experts’ hands? Join The Setup today.
Declutter Your Mind & Clean Out Your Closets
Have you done your #springcleaning yet? It feels so nice to cleanse your closets of all the stuff you’ve kept for too long. When you clean out your space, it helps to also declutter your mind, and more importantly, purify your heart.
Are you ready for a fresh start? As you’re Marie Kondo-ing your physical junk, be sure to inventory your emotional baggage as well. So often we hold onto things—memories and maybes, and what-ifs. Imagine how nice it will feel to let all of that go.
Declutter Your Mind & Your Space
Use this time to declutter your mind and focus on yourself. Travel more. Adopt that cat you’ve always wanted but your ex was allergic to. Apply for your dream job. Throw caution to the wind, but use this time to work on you. Start checking items off your bucket list.
Do not go out on a date just yet or go back to the well and start texting old flames. Don’t start downloading the apps or building a dating profile until you’ve finished your spring cleaning.
Stay away from any means that would put you out there looking for a partner. This will be a challenge, but you can do it. You need this separation in your life to build your own seasonal collection. You will never know what is tailored for you, what fits you best, if you do not focus on yourself first. Try you on for size.
Clean Mind
We tend to hoard possessions until they become emotional weights we didn’t even realize we were carrying. This leaves less room in our lives for the essentials, the things that I call must-haves.
Every season, the fashion industry defines what the newest trends are. It's time for you to define yours, as it pertains to your most prized possession of all—your heart.
How Do You Eat an Elephant?
One bite at a time.
If the idea of taking on your physical and emotional baggage overwhelms you, then take it one task at a time.
Small, manageable doses are key to tackling any problem. If we tried to inventory the magnitude of baggage we’ve collected over the years, locked away in our closets and our hearts, it would send the strongest of us into a tailspin.
Make lists of the things you want to change; keep it very specific. Every day attempt to work on at least one thing on your list. You don’t have to give yourself hard deadlines. Take the whole weekend to clean out your bedroom closet if you need to. No one is there telling you how quickly you should work through your list.
Make a game out of it. Reward yourself after each small victory.
We all tend to place unachievable, unrealistic goals on ourselves and it leads to disappointment and disaster. If you focus on each attainable bite-sized task instead, you’ll see how quickly they add up to big life changes.
Pure Heart
Do you make excuses to yourself? Maybe you tell yourself it's best to stay in an imbalanced relationship because all of the time you’ve invested. Or because it's easier to stay than to put yourself back out there and try to find someone or someone at your age?
Stop. If you are in an unhappy relationship, pause, and write down the things you wish you could change.
Have you addressed these issues with your partner? If not, start today.
It’s time to make tough decisions that may include throwing out some of your emotional baggage. Work on improving yourself. Do all of the things in your own life that you wish your partner did for you.
Can't Lose
Once you get to the point where your list is checked off, no matter how long it has taken you, it’s time to party. Try on and out this new version of you. Pop a bottle of champagne and celebrate.
Walk that runway with your heart clean and open to what is to come. You can not find a partner without first clearing out the junk. After you have put in the work to declutter your mind and clear out all the baggage that has held you down, you deserve it.
Your fairytale awaits, so get to cleaning out your closet. Rid your life of anything that holds you back from finding the one. Your person has been waiting on you. Never know what you will actually find when you clean out those closets!