Dating as a single mom is tricky enough without all the bad behavior we see online these days. As a single mom, you tend to consider the impact felt by your children before you even pause to think about your own feelings, but you deserve love and happiness too!
You should be as honest with your kids as possible when you’re ready to put yourself back out there since your decisions affect them directly. Even when you know instinctively you’re making the right move—they won’t always react the way you hope. So, do your best to prepare them for the coming changes so they don’t feel quite so off-kilter if and when they meet their future step-siblings.
1. Manifest a Whole Family
Ron L. Dean, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, suggests you sketch out the silhouette of what your perfect family would look like. Don’t just manifest your dream date, go a little further. Imagine the ideal home you hope to create with this person.
Do you want more kids? Would your imaginary husband bring his own children into the relationship to create a blended family or is he flying solo? Is there a limit to the number of kids he has or the more the merrier? Are you open to having more children with him? How many?
Committing to this exercise will help you develop a blueprint in your mind. Keep in mind: this is only a guideline it will change overtime. This is meant to be a tool to help you discover what you want out of life, not to be used to get in your own way.
Lillian and Clay each have a son and a daughter from previous marriages. When Lillian drew up her ideal family, she decided she only wanted one more child, if any. When she met Clay, her plan evolved to include both of his children, and she was happy to become a mom of four. But she quickly found out that even her evolved family didn’t mesh with Clay’s vision for the future. You see, Clay has his heart set on having five biological children.
If you do the quick math, that would mean Lillian would need to have three more kids with Clay. I would never reveal a lady’s age, but she’s tip-toeing the line of what would be considered a geriatric pregnancy. Not to mention: the gap between her original goal of 2-3 kids and Clay’s desire for 5-7.
You know how they say sometimes love isn’t enough? If your dreams and your partner’s dreams are in direct conflict with one another, and neither of you are willing to compromise—a breakup is imminent.
2. Trust Your Intuition
This guy has to mesh into your entire life, and that means your kids’ lives too. If you sense something is off between him and your children, don’t ignore it. You should expect some growing pains as you transition a new person into your lives, but don’t dismiss real red flags.
Unless you have a pre-arranged agreement with their father, there is no set timeline for when you should introduce a romantic partner to your kids. Every relationship is different, and every child is unique. Only you can know when it’s the right time to bring them together.
It can be hard introducing friends and family but introducing children is always more difficult and can be hard for all parties concerned and very nerve wracking. It is also the most important decision you can make. Only introduce children if you are 100% sure that the new relationship is stable and serious enough to warrant the introduction. It can be very unsettling for children if they are introduced to many potential partners, the children should not be used as part of the vetting process. They should be the most important ones to consider when making the introduction and if they are not ready to meet the new partner, don’t push it. Always work at the child’s pace.”
–Genevieve Gresset, Master Certified Matchmaker & Relationship Expert
You don’t want to rush it and introduce every single first date you go on. A revolving door of strange men can feel confusing and scary for a little one, especially if they get attached to guys who don’t stick around. On the other hand, you don’t want to find yourself head over heels in love just to realize your kids hate the guy. You have to find the balance that works for your family.
One single mom suggests introducing male companions to the kids as a platonic friend. That way you can see how they engage and interact with him without being confused. If everyone gets along and things continue to progress, you can explain that you’ve decided to move out of the friend zone toward a more romantic relationship.
3. Ditch the Single Mom Guilt
Take a deep, cleansing yoga breath.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Say this with me—I am a single mom, and I deserve happiness too. I’m allowed to feel sexy and take some time for myself. I’m going to treat myself to a new dress to wear on my setup.
Now pour yourself a glass of wine; you’ve earned it.
“Kids need a healthy relationship role model. There’s pressure for moms to be born-again virgins, and sacrifice everything for their children. While this might sound noble, children learn a lot by observation, and it doesn’t teach kids what a good relationship—or dating life—looks like. I never wanted my kids to choose to stay home because they worried about me being lonely. It’s important that kids don’t feel responsible for their mother’s social life. Plus, going out without kids on occasion gave me more patience with them when we were home together.”
-Lara Lillibridge, Author of Mama, Mama, Only Mama: An Irreverent Guide for the Newly Single Parent—From Divorce and Dating to Cooking and Crafting, All While Raising the Kids and Maintaining Your Own Sanity (Sort Of)
According to Lara Lillibridge, dating as a single mom is similar to what dating was like as a teenager. You occasionally sneak out after everyone’s asleep, with a babysitter, of course. And you don’t want to be overheard on the phone, or caught canoodling on the couch.
If single mom guilt keeps you on homework duty in the evenings and you can’t bear to be away from them, consider utilizing the time you don’t have the kids more efficiently. Plan dates when they’re with their father, at practice, or sleeping over at a friend’s house. Schedule lunches throughout the week while they’re at school. Get creative with your time management and the kids will never miss you!