The Setup’s #DatingDictionary
#DatingDictionary
Dating has gone through a complete evolutionary renaissance in the last few decades, and with it comes an entire new #DatingDictionary. Even Webster adds new words every year!
I like to call it the Glossary of Ghosting.
Breadcrumbing
We’ve all been there. You’re really into someone new and they seem to like you too. Or is that just your imagination convincing you there’s a chance because you want it so badly?
They put a fraction of the effort in that you do. You’re always the one to call or initiate plans. If you’re honest with yourself, they flake on you pretty frequently.
But just when you feel completely fed up and decide you’re ready to move on, they drop little bread crumbs of affection to reel you back in. If you step back and examine things objectively, you’ll realize that you’re getting bottom of the barrel crumbs when you deserve so much more than that.
Catfishing
It’s a very broad term that can cover everything from completely fake online personas, to overly edited pictures. Although, sometimes lighter cases are referred to as Kittenfishing.
The bottom line is, be true to yourself and authentic both online and off.
Cuffing Season
Cuffing season begins toward the end of summer and lasts typically through Valentine’s Day. Cuffing someone means to lock them down in a relationship.
So cuffing season refers to the time of year when the party dies down and the weather cools off. It puts people in the mood to couple up and snuggle in for the winter, and guarantees a plus one for all Holiday activities.
Cushioning
This is when someone entertains the idea of dating other people while they’re in a relationship.
People often do this when they’re considering a break-up. They download the apps just to see what’s out there, or they flirt with a co-worker to find out if the grass is greener.
DTR
DTR stands for Define the Relationship.
This is that sweet spot after you’ve been talking to the same person for a while and you’re ready to figure out if there’s a future. Does this person want to date exclusively, or are they condemning you to a situationship?
Ghosting
Ghosting is the sudden, unexpected cease of all communication from one party within a relationship.
“He bailed on our plans last weekend and hasn’t texted me back in days. I think I’m being ghosted.”
Hatfishing
A lot of men reading this are probably guilty of hatfishing. It’s okay, this is a safe space. Hatfishing is when you use hats to hide your hair (or lack thereof) because of insecurities.
I can’t tell you how many dating profiles I’ve seen in which every single photo, the man is wearing a hat. Women want to see the real you, don’t hide under a cap.
And remember, bald is beautiful.
Haunting
Abby disappeared on Ryan last summer after they had been seeing each other pretty steadily. Hee just stopped texting her with no explanation. Today, out of nowhere he texted and said, “Hey stranger! I finally watched that movie you were telling me about, you were right!”
Ryan has returned from the dead.
NSA
NSA stands for No Strings Attached, also known as friends with benefits.
This is a sexual relationship without a romantic commitment. These terms are often used on dating apps by people who are involved in both ethically and unethically open relationships.
Orbiting
This is something that ghosts do. After they’ve disappeared, they start engaging with you on social media. They orbit your digital life to stay on your radar, but never commit to much more than that. It could be anything from liking your latest post, to sending DMs even though they left you on read and never called you back.
Polyamory
Also known as Non-Monogamy, Open Relationships, or Swinging, couples who engage in polyamory have romantic and/or sexual relationships with additional partners.
This type of relationship is not considered cheating, as all parties involved are aware of and consent to the sharing of partners.
Roster
I’ve also heard this called a lineup or benching. Others refer to it as going back to the Well. Whatever you call it, this is when you like someone enough to keep seeing them, but you have no plans to ever take the relationship to the next level.
This is someone you just want to have fun with. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you’re open and honest about your expectations.
Situationship
Do you have a friend you call whenever you’re super single and need a plus one for an event?
Maybe you kissed once on Midnight at a New Years Eve party after a few too many glasses of champagne, but you never really defined the relationship. Nevertheless you’ve remained in each other’s circles and the chemistry never falters when you’re together.
Congratulations, you’re in a situationship!
This word can really describe any romantic couple that hasn’t defined the relationship. They never use words like girlfriend or future. They have formed a casual connection that feels comfortable and fits their situation.
Stashing
Jason and Kylie have been talking for several months now, and they go out on a date most Friday nights. The weird thing is, Kylie’s never met any of Jason’s friends, family, or co-workers. They never stay out late, because Jason goes to his nephew’s soccer game and the whole family goes out to brunch every Saturday morning, but Kylie’s never been invited.
Jason is stashing Kylie away and hiding his real life from her. There are a myriad of reasons for doing this and not all of them are nefarious, but don’t you deserve better?
Talking
Every generation has their own vernacular from going steady to hanging out. When you say you’re talking to someone it’s just another way of saying you’re dating, but you haven’t defined the relationship yet.
Thirst Trap
This is when you post a really sexy photo of yourself online in the hopes of catching the attention of your crush.
Sex and Intimacy: How Soon is Too Soon?
Think back to that first time you met the person you’re talking to. Focus on the time you first felt butterflies in your stomach, that indescribable cosmic rush between your head, heart, maybe even your junk? Get ready, cause today is all about sex and intimacy!
It's a rush that can quickly advance one’s carnal desires early on in a relationship. Throw in a Pandemic and all the rules went out the window.
The words, new year, new you have never felt more accurate!
Sex and Intimacy
You’re both consenting adults; if you choose to experiment with sex and intimacy on the first date—you do you! Some say it’s a right of passage in a relationship to assess true physical compatibility. No one can deny the importance of sex and intimacy when it comes to building a romantic bond.
Maybe you’re both just ready to jump anything with a pulse after being in lockdown forever!
Many believe that determining your sexual chemistry before becoming exclusive is a necessary indicator of compatibility. However, there are others with fancy degrees and data who disagree.
Waiting Builds a Bond
Believe it or not, there is scientific data that supports waiting before jumping in the sack.
A study in the American Psychological Association’s Journal of Family Psychology surveyed 2,035 married couples. It found that the longer they waited to have sex in their relationship, the better the relationship was overall, even after marriage.
Don’t want to get married you say, so why wait? Well, there’s data to support that scenario too.
Sharon Sassler and her colleagues at Cornell University found that rapid sexual involvement has adverse long-term implications on relationship quality.
“Adequate time is required for romantic relationships to develop in a healthy way. In contrast, relationships that move too quickly, without adequate discussion of the goals and long-term desires of each partner, may be insufficiently committed and therefore result in relationship distress, especially if one partner is more committed than the other.”
Couples that engage in sex too soon create counterfeit intimacy. These fast, intense feelings of lust or infatuation are often confused with true love.
This counterfeit love currency is then cashed in on major life purchases, like buying a house together or adopting a dog.
That basically means having sex early on in a relationship creates an imbalance which can include unhealthy communication patterns, and rushes to judgement on major life decisions. Such preemptive entanglement is hard to unravel. Often couples will passively follow what’s easiest and proceed with poor life choices instead of interrupting the status quo.
Love > Libido
They say true love is worth waiting for, but some people view hooking up more casually than others.
Be willing to have an honest conversation about sex and intimacy with your partner. Even if you haven’t defined the relationship yet. Communicate what each of you are seeking before you bring sex into the relationship. Otherwise someone is going to get the short end of the proverbial stick.
Simply ask yourself—do you want to nurture a long-lasting relationship built on a foundation of partnership and love or are you just looking to feed your libido? No judgement here. You get to choose, but be sure to discuss it before clothes start hitting the floor.
Click here for more information about Safety and Sexual Health.
How to Say I’m Sorry - 5 Apology Styles
The 5 Apology Styles are: Expressing Regret, Accepting Responsibility, Genuinely Repenting, Making Restitution, and Requesting Forgiveness.
The creator of the 5 Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman, also co-authored a book called When Sorry Isn’t Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love with Dr. Jennifer Thomas. They explore the different ways people need to express and accept apologies.
We rely on the 5 Love Languages to make restitution by assuring the injured party of our love for them. For instance, if your partner’s Love Language is Gifts and her Apology Style is Making Restitution—consider making flowers part of your apology.
1. Requesting Forgiveness
How can I earn your forgiveness and make this right?
In its simplest form, Requesting Forgiveness is just saying, Please forgive me. The weight of this apology style lies in the vulnerability it requires. When you have wronged someone, it’s especially humbling to ask for their forgiveness knowing they have the power to reject you.
In some relationships, people want to hear their partner physically ask for forgiveness. They want assurance that their partner recognizes the need for forgiveness. Requesting forgiveness also shows that you are willing to put the future of the relationship in the hands of the offended partner. You are leaving the final decision up to them – to forgive or not forgive.
2. Making Restitution
What can I do to fix my mistake and make it up to you?
Sometimes sorry isn’t enough. Some mistakes require reparations and damages. It’s important that you include the person you’ve wronged in developing a plan to right your wrong. And be willing to eat some crow and follow through.
In our society, many people believe that wrong acts demand justice. The one who commits the crime should pay for their wrongdoing. Many people believe that in order to be sincere, the person who is apologizing should justify their actions.
3. Genuinely Repenting
I will take actionable steps to make sure this never happens again.
Apologies don’t mean much if the bad behavior continues. To genuinely repent, you need to create a plan and share it with the person you have wronged that details the steps you will take to change your behavior in the future.
Many people doubt the sincerity of an apology if it is not accompanied by their partner’s desire to modify their behavior to avoid the situation in the future. One important aspect of genuinely repenting is verbalizing your desire to change. Your partner cannot read your mind.
4. Accepting Responsibility
It was my fault, I shouldn't have acted the way I did.
Accepting responsibility means taking the blame and consequences that come with your actions. To accept responsibility, you must do so verbally and be willing to correct your error.
No one likes to be portrayed as a failure. However, we must all admit that we make mistakes. If the apology doesn’t accept responsibility, many people will not feel as though it was meaningful and sincere. Being sincere in your apology means allowing yourself to be weak, and admitting that you make mistakes.
5. Expressing Regret
I made a mistake and I feel terrible.
In its simplest form, Expressing Regret is just saying I’m sorry. It’s acknowledging that your actions caused someone else pain and feeling bad about it.
Expressing Regret zeroes in on emotional hurt. It is an admission of guilt and shame for causing pain to another person. When you express regret, don't make excuses or attempt to deflect blame. It is understood as a sincere commitment to repair and rebuild the relationship. It speaks most clearly when the person offering the apology reflects sincerity not only verbally, but also through body language.
Just like the 5 Love Languages, there is an online quiz you can take to discover which of the 5 Apology Styles work best for you.
Are You Ready to Put Yourself Out There?
Before you decide to put yourself out there again, think about what it is that you are really seeking. And if you don’t know, maybe this will help you consider defining what you are looking for in the first place.
Chances are, you have tried to put yourself out there in one form or another. Maybe you tried a matchmaking service or posting an online profile. Perhaps, you ventured out in public with the intent to meet someone.
People can be nomadic, roaming from various forums to find someone to connect with on whatever the level they can. She may be quick to seek out a companion, but often less hasty to define why or what she truly wants.
Don't Put Yourself Out There for Just Anybody
For starters, if their dating profile says any iteration of the following—do yourself a favor and run.
I’m recently divorced, so I’m just seeing what’s out there. I’m not really sure what I want.
This is a red flag. If it’s your desire to find a lasting relationship, don’t waste your time on someone who is just playing the field.
It is easy to assume when someone openly discusses being single or talks about being lonely, that he or she in fact, wants a companion. But, that can mean different things to different people, so you need to define the context.
Clarify expectations before you ever meet someone. This will go a long way in deciphering if it is even worth getting gussied up. Find out if they’re looking for a relationship or just a body to fill in the void of loneliness.
So many of us have been siloed because of the COVID Pandemic. What we’re craving now more than ever, is connectivity to one another. Unfortunately, this often causes people to act out with attention seeking behavior.
Attention Seeking Behavior
Desiring the attention of others is simply the need to be heard or validated by another. It’s an intrinsic Maslovian need all humans share. But just because someone displays attention seeking behavior, it does not necessarily mean they want a relationship.
As we slowly transition back to our semi-normal lives, a lot of people have blurred the lines between truly wanting a relationship and just seeking attention. We have all lived in a bubble lacking the simple interactions that we used to take for granted.
Interacting with someone at the post office or talking to the salesclerk at our favorite store, perhaps greeting the Principal as we dropped our kids off at school—all these routine communications helped with the balance sheet we all have that tracks our need for human interaction.
For many people, these tedious interactions fed our appetite for attention, even when we weren’t consciously processing them as such.
But living for the last year without those day-to-day errands or interactions in our lives, our inherent nature to be validated in even the smallest of ways has met a deficit. These interactions for many have become extinct, forcing our attention balance sheets into the red.
This has created an influx of daters on the scene with varying intentions. You don’t want to put yourself out there with individuals who have both clear and murky intentions.
A Relationship Won't Fix All Your Problems
Be sure to clarify their intent before meeting. Are they looking for attention or a relationship?
A relationship is presumed to include positive and affirming attention. Although successful relationships are built on attentivity to one’s partner, it should not be construed that every relationship has this successful pairing. Meaning, if you have a relationship, you will therefore reap attention from your partner.
In fact, marriages often fail because a partner feels disconnected, isolated, or alone. This leads to a breakdown in communication, and lack of such. Much of this is tied to simply not paying attention to one’s partner and validating him or her in a positive way.
Keep in mind no one puts themselves out there without having some reason in mind for doing so. Do not be fooled. Often singles will say they do not know what they want, but put themselves in the peripheral of others who are fully in touch with their desires.
Think about what motivated you to put yourself out there in the first place. Were you looking for true love or a bit of validation?
It is okay to be lonely, it is okay to want a relationship, it is okay to simply want the attention of another. Simply own it and say so. Put yourself out there and be honest about exactly what you want.
So, speak your truth, regardless of your intentions. Align yourself with a partner seeking the same as you. No one can fault you for being honest.
How to Catch a Catfish
Dating apps are like the Wild West, so swipers beware! Today we’re going to teach you how to catch a catfish, so you will be a little safer online.
When online dating was in its infancy, it was like Fight Club. Nobody talked about it and everyone lied about how they met. There was a shared sense of societal shame. Try saying that five times fast. As online dating evolved from sketchy chat rooms to the apps we know today, so did society’s acceptance.
As it’s become more common, online dating has bred a whole new generation of bad dating behavior.
In its simplest terms, a catfish is someone who lies about who they are online. They use a fake persona or phony photos and reel in romantic partners online. There’s a whole MTV show dedicated to it.
Listen to Your Intuition
If it feels too good to be true, chances are—it is.
If you notice red flags in the first few messages, let it go unless you want to catch a catfish.
- The want to switch to another app quickly
- There is an urgent family crisis
- They’re suddenly traveling abroad
- They ask you specific, personal or financial information
- The things they say don’t match the information in their profile
- They have multiple profiles or aliases
A common characteristic among catfish—they can’t spell. Despite often boasting post-graduate degrees, catfish will typically display poor spelling and grammar skills. Typos and shorthand are one thing. Maybe they’re in a hurry, maybe they just have fat fingers. But just pay attention and trust your gut.
Does their behavior and language match the persona they have displayed online?
Take Action
The Federal Trade Commission reported a record $304 million lost in romance scams throughout 2020. That’s up 50% from the previous year.
Signs of a Scam:
- They say “I love you,” shortly after meeting
- They are from the U.S. but are living overseas.
- They ask for money in an attempt to lure you off the dating site
- They promise to visit but an emergency prevents them from doing so
When you’re online, lead with your head, not your heart. All of the cues we are privy to in person: body language, mannerisms, eye contact or validation of one’s appearance are absent online. A photo on an app isn’t confirmation that someone is real.
So, whatever method you opt to use to find love, be sure to properly vet them or employ others to do the work for you. There are plenty of fish in the sea, just don’t catch a catfish!
If you have been a victim of an online dating scam, click here to report it!
#SuccessfulSingles: How to Date a Doctor
At The Setup, we specialize in setting up like-minded, career-oriented singles and sending them out on their last first date. So, we thought it would be helpful to look at the pros and cons of different jobs when it comes to dating. The COVID finish line is finally in sight, but after the time we’ve had I figured we should start off with How to Date a Doctor!
Dating apps can seem harmless, but they have their fair share dangers, especially for wealthy or high-profile individuals. Making your love life public can lead to all sorts of dangerous or uncomfortable situations.
The Setup is a discreet matchmaking service. Our members undergo detailed evaluations and a thorough background screen, so we know who we’re setting you up with!
How to Date a Doctor
It can be virtually impossible for a medical professional to carve time out of their busy schedule to sort through pages of dating profiles.
You can make some pretty fair assumptions even before the first date. For instance, the guy finished Med School, so you know he’s smart, driven, and committed. All highly-coveted characteristics in a mate.
When dating a doctor, you can expect additional quarantine and/or sanitation policies and procedures. I wouldn’t advise an anti-masker or anti-vaxxer to date a doctor. Remember the Pandemic is not forever, but there may be times throughout his or her career that will require additional medical precautions.
Their patients come first. There will be many times that you will have to take a bit of a backseat to your partner’s work. Put your ego aside and try to put yourself in the patient’s shoes. Are your dinner reservations really that important in the grand scheme of life and death?
Dating a doctor requires you to exercise patience and flexibility. There will be late nights, long hours, and weekends on-call. So, learn to love your alone time. Sometimes, they will have to cancel plans. That doesn’t mean you’re being ghosted or you don’t matter.
Avoid making concrete plans that cannot be altered like tickets to an event or travel arrangements without consulting them first. If something on their schedule keeps them from going, you’re left holding the tickets.
Doctors have often experienced emotional trauma at work. Studies show many health care workers experience similar Post-Traumatic Stress symptoms as combat veterans. It’s important that you can be a safe place for your partner to land after a taxing shift. If they need to unload, just listen to them.
Give them a shoulder rub, open their favorite bottle of wine, find a light-hearted show you both love. Try to help them unwind after a long shift. Doctors spend all their time giving of themselves to their patients. It’s good for them to have a partner who fills their love tank at the end of a long day.
Now that you’ve learned how to date a doctor...what profession do you want us to cover next?
Why Should You Join The Setup?
Most people have never considered hiring a Matchmaker before; that’s okay! We understand that this is a complicated product that requires a time investment as much as a financial investment. That scares a lot of people away. Today I want to tell you why you should join The Setup!
But think of it this way, dating in any capacity requires time and effort to achieve any sense of success. If we’re being honest, that’s true for most things in life.
What are your alternatives? Endless hours spent swiping on random profiles? Let your mom set you up again? Speed dating?
In actuality, when you join The Setup, we a lot of the work off your shoulders. We do all the behind-the-scenes work to curate your introductions. All you have to do is show up and be yourself.
In his book, The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell introduces the concept of Connectors.
“The point about Connectors is that by having a foot in so many different worlds, they have the effect of bringing them all together.”
Our Matchmakers are natural Connectors. They cross social circles to facilitate introductions among people who share mutual goals or values.
Invest in the Important Things
“Why would I hire a Matchmaker? I’m perfectly capable of setting up my own dates.”
There are tons of online tax services out there, but people still hire accountants. It’s perfectly normal to consult a professional about something that could potentially alter your life. We’re dating experts. Our staff is specially trained and certified to help you find a compatible life partner.
You can’t be great at everything all the time. Most of our clients kick ass in their careers and other areas, but struggle where their love lives are concerned.
You know how right before you start a new fitness routine, you invest in new sneakers and workout clothes to get your mind in the right place? This helps you mentally commit to the new regimen.
Anyone can flippantly swipe through the apps with no real investment. But you know anyone we set you up with has been thoroughly interviewed and screened and invested as much into the process as you have. They’ve worked with their Matchmaker to plan out their goals and dream up their ideal partner, and somehow, you fit into that mold.
When you join The Setup, you are saying that finding love is a priority in your life.
Ask Us the Awkward Questions
If you need help picking out an outfit for your date, or analyzing something they said over dessert, we’re here for that too!
Want to get out of your own way and overcome some deal-breakers?
Your friends and family mean well, but sometimes their advice sucks. Leave it to the professionals! Your Personal Dating Assistant (PDA) is available throughout the process to help make your dating experience as stress-free and successful as possible.
Don’t forget we conduct background screens and in-depth interviews before taking on a new client, so we know who we’re setting you up with. #Nocreepsallowed So what are you waiting for? Ready to put your love life in the experts’ hands? Join The Setup today.
Declutter Your Mind & Clean Out Your Closets
Have you done your #springcleaning yet? It feels so nice to cleanse your closets of all the stuff you’ve kept for too long. When you clean out your space, it helps to also declutter your mind, and more importantly, purify your heart.
Are you ready for a fresh start? As you’re Marie Kondo-ing your physical junk, be sure to inventory your emotional baggage as well. So often we hold onto things—memories and maybes, and what-ifs. Imagine how nice it will feel to let all of that go.
Declutter Your Mind & Your Space
Use this time to declutter your mind and focus on yourself. Travel more. Adopt that cat you’ve always wanted but your ex was allergic to. Apply for your dream job. Throw caution to the wind, but use this time to work on you. Start checking items off your bucket list.
Do not go out on a date just yet or go back to the well and start texting old flames. Don’t start downloading the apps or building a dating profile until you’ve finished your spring cleaning.
Stay away from any means that would put you out there looking for a partner. This will be a challenge, but you can do it. You need this separation in your life to build your own seasonal collection. You will never know what is tailored for you, what fits you best, if you do not focus on yourself first. Try you on for size.
Clean Mind
We tend to hoard possessions until they become emotional weights we didn’t even realize we were carrying. This leaves less room in our lives for the essentials, the things that I call must-haves.
Every season, the fashion industry defines what the newest trends are. It's time for you to define yours, as it pertains to your most prized possession of all—your heart.
How Do You Eat an Elephant?
One bite at a time.
If the idea of taking on your physical and emotional baggage overwhelms you, then take it one task at a time.
Small, manageable doses are key to tackling any problem. If we tried to inventory the magnitude of baggage we’ve collected over the years, locked away in our closets and our hearts, it would send the strongest of us into a tailspin.
Make lists of the things you want to change; keep it very specific. Every day attempt to work on at least one thing on your list. You don’t have to give yourself hard deadlines. Take the whole weekend to clean out your bedroom closet if you need to. No one is there telling you how quickly you should work through your list.
Make a game out of it. Reward yourself after each small victory.
We all tend to place unachievable, unrealistic goals on ourselves and it leads to disappointment and disaster. If you focus on each attainable bite-sized task instead, you’ll see how quickly they add up to big life changes.
Pure Heart
Do you make excuses to yourself? Maybe you tell yourself it's best to stay in an imbalanced relationship because all of the time you’ve invested. Or because it's easier to stay than to put yourself back out there and try to find someone or someone at your age?
Stop. If you are in an unhappy relationship, pause, and write down the things you wish you could change.
Have you addressed these issues with your partner? If not, start today.
It’s time to make tough decisions that may include throwing out some of your emotional baggage. Work on improving yourself. Do all of the things in your own life that you wish your partner did for you.
Can't Lose
Once you get to the point where your list is checked off, no matter how long it has taken you, it’s time to party. Try on and out this new version of you. Pop a bottle of champagne and celebrate.
Walk that runway with your heart clean and open to what is to come. You can not find a partner without first clearing out the junk. After you have put in the work to declutter your mind and clear out all the baggage that has held you down, you deserve it.
Your fairytale awaits, so get to cleaning out your closet. Rid your life of anything that holds you back from finding the one. Your person has been waiting on you. Never know what you will actually find when you clean out those closets!
Communication: The Key to Commitment
Today, I want to talk about what happens after you’ve met someone and decided to start seeing each other exclusively. How do you effectively express your needs in a hookup culture that fears commitment? Can you keep your communication from breaking down?
How do you combat all of the misinterpretations and confusion that comes with a new relationship to get to a new level of comfort and loyalty?
After you have cozied up with someone who shares your goals, how do you take things to the next level? The two of you have similar desires, interests and long-term plans. This is where a lot of couples fall prey to comfortability. They stop putting in the work.
Commit to Communication
Just because you’ve found your person, doesn’t mean your work is done and it’s smooth sailing from here on out. Some of the strongest couples fall victim to unmet expectations, miscommunication, and false assumptions.
Just as it was important to find someone that shared the same intentions, likes, or interests as you, it is equally important to ensure the expectations within those shared beliefs and ideals are communicated routinely.
You have to be comfortable communicating about the minutiae of your daily routines as well as the big life choices. Small false assumptions can slowly cripple a couple overtime.
It’s often the small things that go wrong and break the camel’s back, resulting in a disproportionately large reaction.
An apple a day keeps the Doctor away, but daily dialogue keeps the divorce attorneys at bay.
Nourish your relationship with a daily check in. Before you go to sleep each night, open a dialogue with your partner. Make this part of your bedtime routine. Ask each other things like:
- What is the one thing you wish had gone differently today?
- What was the highlight and lowlight of your day?
- Did I do anything to upset you today?
Don't Assume Anything
Your partner can not read your mind. You cannot expect them to know and remember all of your likes, dislikes, preferences, etc.
For example, I once had a client who was absolutely irate that her match had taken her out on his boat for their third date. When I pushed her for clarification she explained that on their first date she told him, “I’m not a very outdoorsy person.”
She then felt as if he hadn’t listened to her and ultimately disrespected her by taking her to do something she (in her mind) had explicitly told him she would hate.
From the outside looking in, it’s clear this was just a matter of miscommunication and incorrect assumptions. You can’t assume others will interpret your words correctly. Be specific when you communicate your needs, boundaries, etc.
At the center of all failed partnerships is a breakdown of communication, in part because we tend to assume things rather than talk about them. All too often we take each other and for granted and in that, we make assumptions about one another that we compartmentalize silently.
In fact, the better a couple knows one another, the more likely they are to make assumptions instead of asking the other person directly.
And you know what they say about people who assume things...they make an ass out of you and me.
Next time, just ask.
#NoDaysOff
People are constantly evolving, as are our relationships. It’s an organic process. That said, expectations of a relationship can change over time.
Maybe you have to relocate for work and your partner is not moving with you. You never consciously entered into a long-distance relationship, but now here you are.
No matter what the pending distance you will soon face, it will challenge your commitment. So, be sure to set and communicate newfound expectations, as it relates to this new facet of your relationship.
How do you navigate this new normal? Do you now need to talk or FaceTime daily or multiple times a week? Whatever you both decide needs to be discussed before moving day. Without setting and discussing these expectations, especially when there are sudden and unexpected changes, no relationship, long-distance or otherwise, will survive.
When in Doubt Talk it Out
Have you ever heard someone say the cause of their divorce was too much communication? Because I sure haven’t.
Don’t assume your partner is aware of something if you haven’t discussed it. Alternatively, don’t use your partner’s lack of awareness as a weapon. Often, couples will accuse one another of not being present in the relationship if the other was not aware of a particular conflict or issue.
No one will ever fault you for talking through things to establish and clarify expectations.
Couples that maintain strong bonds, long-term relationships, and successful marriages put all their cards on the table. They will communicate anything and everything to one another out of mutual respect and love. It is not an annual exercise, it’s a daily process that fortifies the even the strongest of relationships.
So don’t let your communication falter; your relationship is likely to follow. Think of communication as a necessary part of your relationship’s daily upkeep. So be sure to get your daily dose of conversation in. You will build a strong, lasting bond with your partner that will be able to withstand whatever changes come your way.
Haunting: When Ghosters Return
So you’ve been ghosted...or have you? You feel your phone vibrate. Why is HE liking your Instagram posts?! You haven’t talked in weeks, not since he dropped off planet Earth and stopped texting you back. Welcome to the wonderful world of Haunting. Some people call it Zombie-ing, they mean the same thing.
What is Haunting, you ask? Well, remember when we discussed ghosting? It’s exactly like that except one step further.
HE’S BAAACK.
It usually starts as a toe-dip interaction, like a text. Ghosts rarely risk jumping into the deep end of the commitment pool, because they already feel a sense of shame for their bad behavior. They knew it was wrong, and they ghosted you anyway.
If he hasn’t risen from the dead with full remorse, redemption in mind, and maybe some flowers, let him sit in his own shame for a little longer.
Why Not Just Stay Dead?
Motives for Haunting can vary anywhere from boredom, to true courting intentions. That’s what makes them so dangerous—it’s up to you to decide if this person is worth your energy and if so, do they have nefarious or ulterior reasons for reaching out?
You don’t want to be someone’s Friday night entertainment.
Haunting, like most bad dating behavior, stems from low self-esteem. Maybe he met someone else, and he’s just now realizing it’s not going to work. So he’s dipping back into his well of exes.
Let’s just call it what it is: attention-seeking behavior.
“Zombies want to see if they can still get a reaction, says Kate Balestrieri, PsyD & Founder of Modern Intimacy. “They're using it as a way to get validation if they're feeling low about themselves."
You have to decide for yourself if this person is worth the risk. My mom likes to quote Dr. Phil when he says, “The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.”
The Haunting Has Begun, Now What?
You really only have two options when a ghost comes back to haunt you. You either engage with them or ignore them.
If you decide to engage, proceed with caution.
In a 2010 study, researchers at Rutgers University found that looking at your ex triggers the same part of the brain as a cocaine addiction, creating an obsession with romantic rejection.
Ask yourself, do you want to open Pandora’s box?
You have to be careful if you’re going to date a zombie. It’s essential to have very clear plans in place for connecting, when you’re going to be spending time, and how often you’ll text. -Jane Greer, PhD, Family & Marriage Therapist
Reflect back on your relationship. Are there any other red flags or bad behavior you can remember? Did he have a legitimate excuse for his disappearing and subsequently, reappearing act? Did he apologize? Do you believe him or does it sound like BS?
From here, you have to decide if you want to continue communication and open the doors for a potential relationship again. Keep in mind, this also opens you up to the same trap you already fell for. Fool me once, and all that.
Don’t forget you always have the option of ignoring him. Delete the text, block his number, and pretend like it never happened, if you need to. You are not required to engage if you don’t want to.
When in doubt, turn your experiences into art like Allison Wade. She turned some of the best (read: worst) texts she’s received from exes into works of art.