Woman in Club on her Phone Ghosting

Ghosting: How to Maintain Your Spirit

Online dating has bred a whole new batch of bad dating behavior, the most common of these being ghosting.

There’s a certain level of anonymity to dating apps. Most of the time, you’re swiping, messaging, and meeting complete strangers. You likely don’t have common friends and run in very different circles.

This allows one to pull off a disappearing act quite easy. 

Did you know over half of today’s daters have first-hand experience with ghosting?

What is Ghosting?

Ghosting is the sudden, unexpected cease of all communication from one party within a relationship. Although the term is new, it wasn’t born through dating apps, and it isn’t a new concept.

I assume you have heard the cliché of a father who went out for cigarettes and never came back—that guy ghosted his whole family. It’s not specific to romantic relationships either, we all know a girl who ditches her friends whenever she gets a boyfriend.

The most common form of ghosting can be explained by the following scenario:

You matched with a guy on an app and shared a number of pleasant chats. He asks for your number and eventually, you meet in person. After a few dates and weeks of facetimes, he suddenly stops responding to your texts. He dodges your calls, and bails on your weekend plans. You assume he’s caught up with work and give it a week or so before you really start to worry. Your girlfriends help you craft the perfect text to reach out and learn what went wrong, but you get no response. You’re then left wondering if you did something wrong, he met someone else, or even if he died. 

This is an emotionally painful situation to find yourself in. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. For one reason or another he just didn’t see a future with you. Unfortunately, he was unable to communicate that to you—so he ghosted. 

It’s really important to remember if someone ghosts you, that behavior says more about them than you. It’s about their discomfort.” -Dr. Jennice Vilhauer

Why do People Ghost?

I’m a firm believer that most negative behavior stems from a basis of fear. When humans are afraid, they respond with either fight, flight, or freeze. Ghosting is a combination of the latter two. The ghost freezes communication because he or she is afraid of the outcome if the relationship continues, and flees from the situation in order to avoid difficult conversations or unwanted outcomes.

Why do Men Ghost?

Maybe he’s busy with his career or his family. He could be going through a rough time mentally, physically, or emotionally. I think we can all agree COVID-19 threw everyone into a state of a crisis. Maybe he met someone unexpectedly or an ex came back into his life. 

Although it’s hard to stomach, there’s also the chance he’s just not that into you. But that’s okay. You can’t expect every guy you meet to be the love of your life.

There is also the fear of rejection. It’s sort of a get them before they get me first approach. People with this method of dating are not in the right mindset for a long-lasting, committed relationship anyway. Someone who has a pattern of leaving before they get left, will never stay long enough to work through the hard stuff that life tends to throw at us.

Why do Women Ghost?

One of the most common fears that cause women to ghost is the fear of retaliation. We have been socialized and trained to play nice and never offend a man’s ego. Because of that, some women were simply never taught a polite but effective way to turn down a man’s advances.

How many comedies play off of a woman’s inability to kindly reject a man who buys her a drink at a bar, when she’s clearly not interested in him? There is more truth in that than most of us would like to admit. 

Unfortunately, there is a darker side to this fear of retaliation. And that is the very real threat of violence and abuse women have historically experienced at the hands of men with a bruised pride.

If the woman who ghosted you has been a victim of or a witness to abuse in her lifetime, try not to take it personally. She probably has a level of fear that revolves around her interactions with men, and ghosting feels like a safer alternative.

Are Ghosts Too Busy or Just Lazy?

Honestly, does it matter? Whether she’s hustling in her career working 80-hour weeks, or has been on her couch in the same pair of sweatpants all weekend—the fact is she hasn’t made time for you in her life. She may be actively ignoring you, AKA ghosting, or she may just have a mile-long priority list that doesn’t include you.

Will one scenario stings less than the other? I doubt it. It hurts when someone you were developing feelings for doesn’t reciprocate, no matter what the circumstances are.

That being said, I’m a proponent of second chances. If someone who ghosted you reaches out with an apology and a valid explanation for being absent, why not give it one more date? That is if you still see potential in the relationship, of course.

How Do I Avoid Being Ghosted?

The use of dating apps has created a lot of lazy daters. We pick up our phones and sometimes getting a date is as easy as ordering a pizza. If we don’t catch the other person’s attention within a few messages, they get bored and move on to the next app. We have thousands of possible matches in our pocket. We may give it a few dates, and if that person doesn’t blow our mind, we start swiping again.

It’s all pretty indicative of where we are as a society in terms of instant gratification.

But there is good news! There are alternatives to the monotony of endless swiping, texting, and eventual ghosting

At The Setup, we combine age-old matchmaking principles with proven sociological technologies to match you with the partner you’ve always dreamed of. 

The main reason that ghosting is so prevalent in recent years, is because we’re meeting complete strangers at an unprecedented rate. Previous generations met their mates through mutual friends, family members, church, work, and school. They typically had at least one other person in common with their date.

Take the following situation for example:

Let’s say your Aunt set you up with a young woman from her church. If you were rude on your date, or you completely disappeared on the woman, it’s likely that she will complain to your Aunt about your behavior. Your Aunt would then hold you accountable and you would face consequences.

When you date strangers from the internet with no mutual connections, there is little to no accountability, and people feel free to behave in ways they probably wouldn’t if their Aunt was privy to the situation.

Ghosting is less likely to occur if there is an additional person both parties have to answer to, like a nosey aunt, or a specially-trained Matchmaker. 

Your personal Matchmaker will not only work to introduce you to your ideal partner, but will also follow up with you and your matches to provide expert coaching and advice. Our priority is helping you find genuine, lasting love. No ghosting allowed!


Couple at Sports Bar During one of their First Few Dates

Ask the Experts: 5 Tips for the First Few Dates

The most important thing to remember early on, especially in those first few dates, is to remain present. Stay in the moment and just enjoy one another’s company. This is the easiest way to combat any anxieties or fears you have during the first few dates. 

First things first. Take a deep breath and relax. And remember, your specially-trained Matchmaker is here to help coach you through every step of the process. 

It's Not a Date

I can promise you this—everyone has first date fears and jitters. So much so, that I often hesitate to even use the word date for a first meeting between matches.

Date has a romantic connotation, and while matchmaking is obviously a service for people seeking romance, it would be unrealistic to expect every single first date to end in a love connection. 

We can eliminate some of those first date fears simply by eliminating the word date. 

Your first setup with a new match should be quick; I always encourage my clients to have a short, 30-minute drink before committing to a dinner date. Whether you get coffee, a craft beer, a green juice, or a pre-dinner cocktail, keeping things short and sweet will help alleviate everyone’s anxiety. 

We alway encourage a 3 Date Rule, so after your first setup, you should go for an activity next. Sharing experiences is a natural way to start forming a bond, and it will help you both loosen up and have a little fun while you get to know one another.

When you sit across the dinner table from a complete stranger, it’s easy to notice and panic every time there is a slight lull in conversation. When people get nervous, they talk too much

When you’re actively participating in an activity together, those lulls are less noticeable and feel more natural. By the time you go on a dinner date, you’ll have plenty to talk about. 

It's a Setup

Let’s face it, we all put an enormous amount of pressure on ourselves. In a high-stress situation, like the first few dates, that pressure often bleeds over and can cause damage if not kept in check.

Some go into every encounter with the opposite sex hoping it turns into marriage and a white picket fence. Others are so picky they will write their date off in the first 5 minutes for something trivial.

Both of these approaches are incorrect.

Let’s think about it from a business perspective. When you were a novice in your career, you didn’t go into every single job interview expecting to not only get the job, but to retire from that company. Alternatively, would you turn down your dream job because you didn’t like the break room?

Take the pressure off and just enjoy each other’s company.

Get Your Mind Right

You should go into every first date looking for three things you like, appreciate, or enjoy about the person. That’s it. Just three. But by focusing your efforts on finding positive traits in the person sitting across from you, you can overcome the silly things that put you in a negative headspace.

So you hated his shoes? If you’re really looking for lasting love, overlook the shoes. Does his lifestyle align with yours? Do you have similar goals in life? Did he make you feel safe and special? Did he match your sense of humor? Was he charming? Kind? Handsome? Punctual? Try to focus on the things about him you would like in a partner, even if you know he’s not a fit. 

Pay Attention to Red Flags

In addition to making a concerted effort to find three things of value, it’s equally important to gather information about the things you don’t like. Especially if those things enter into deal-breaker territory.

If you learn she has a pet you’re highly allergic to, that’s probably not going to be a long-lasting relationship.

Take mental notes.

Everything that happens between the two of you is data and information that will be helpful to your Matchmaker in facilitating your next match. Sharing three positives in addition to candidly discussing all the reasons you know he or she is not for you with your Matchmaker will help in your search to find love.

Even bad dates are good dates, because you learn what you don’t want, and so does your matchmaker. We use each and every interaction to fine-tune your profile, so that we can find someone who checks off your most important boxes.

Don't Start Planning Your Wedding

Let’s say you’re matched with a wonderful woman. You meet up at a new smoothie spot and things go great. That weekend, the two of you play a round of golf together, and you take her to dinner later in the week.

It all goes better than you had hoped.

You’ve now had three very positive, promising interactions with a woman you’re attracted to and have common interests with. It’s impossible to keep the daydreams at bay.

This is where I urge you to pause and set realistic expectations. 

There is nothing wrong with being hopeful and dreaming of happily ever after. We all wish for that.

Dating can be and should be fun. It’s natural to have hope that this develops into a relationship filled with love and trust and acceptance, and all the things that Maslow told us humans need to survive.

Feel the butterflies. Get excited while you get ready. But, trust in the process, and don’t get ahead of yourself. Just take it one date at a time.

Allow love the opportunity to grow and develop naturally without any unnecessary pressure or stress. Stay present throughout each date, give it your undivided attention, gather data, and don’t get in your own way. If you are able to do all of this, you can overcome all of the fears you have going into the first few dates. 


Man & Woman Get Over their Deal-Breakers and Embrace Happily

How to Break Up With Your Deal-Breakers

Let’s talk about deal-breakers. We all have them.

Deal-breakers can mean different things to different people, so for the purpose of this article, let’s define them as criteria you use to disqualify a potential match before ever even meeting them.

We all have them, but they’re not all created equal, we’ll talk more about Boundaries and Barriers in a bit.

Below, I’ve compiled a list of dealbreakers (in no particular order) that I’ve heard consistently over the years. Some might seem silly to you, but they are quite serious to another person. 

  • Divorce
  • Career Type
  • Religion
  • Political Affiliation
  • Dietary Restrictions
  • Body Shape
  • Height
  • Zodiac Sign
  • Education Level
  • Smokers
  • Cat Owners
  • Children
  • Distance
  • Race
  • Ethnicity
  • Virginity
  • Age

We once had a client refuse a date after learning his match was lactose intolerant. I know a woman who has a strict no Geminis policy. I could go on for days, but you catch my drift.

The first step to getting over some of your more trivial deal-breakers is to write out a list. Take some time to really mull this over and create a comprehensive list of all your must-haves for a potential match.

You’re the only person who will ever see this, so don’t be afraid or ashamed, just be honest.

It doesn’t matter if they’re big or small. Just add them all to the list. Don’t worry, we will whittle it down later. 

Boundaries & Barriers

Now, it’s time to separate your deal breakers into two categories.

Boundaries are good things; they keep us safe and allow us autonomy to rule over our own being.

Barriers on the other hand, get in our way and keep us from achieving our goals. They act as metaphorical roadblocks to our success.

For instance, rejecting a long distance relationship because you know you need Physical Touch and Quality Time to be happy—that is a Boundary. 

Excluding anyone who doesn’t reside within a 5-mile radius of your front door is a Barrier. You’re needlessly shrinking your pool of potential matches to a minute scale, making your Matchmaker’s job impossible.

Keep in mind, a lot of this depends on you and your situation as much as the other person. Let me give you a couple of examples.

I will not date anyone with a cat.

  • Boundary: if you have a severe allergy
  • Barrier: if you just prefer dogs

I will only date Catholics.

  • Boundary: if you’re a practicing Catholic
  • Barrier: if you haven’t been to mass since you were a child

I will not date someone who has children.

  • Boundary: if you don’t have or want kids
  • Barrier: if you have kids from a previous relationship

Now, I want you to reflect on your list. Organize each one into either the Boundary or Barrier column.

Breaking Up with Your Deal-Breakers

Next, I want you to rank your list of Boundaries in order of importance. Then, do the same with your Barriers.

Those Barriers are starting to seem a little less important now, huh? Some of them may even feel kind of dumb. That’s a good thing! That means getting over them is going to be easier than you thought.

Starting with the lowest-ranked Barrier, think through each of your deal-breakers. Go deep. Make another list of pros and cons for each if you need to. Ask yourself the following question:

If you met the single most gorgeous guy on the planet tomorrow, and he possessed a myriad of positive characteristics, would this one single thing eliminate him in your mind as boyfriend material?

If the answer is yes, then you’re not ready to let go of that deal-breaker just yet. That’s alright, some of us are just pickier than others. But it’s important that you know that about yourself and have patience with your Matchmaker. 

If the answer is no, or even maybe with a qualifier, then let’s see if we can work through it.

Is there an underlying reason for your deal-breakers? Try to get to the core of your desire for wanting or needing that specific trait in a partner.

Maybe it’s not that you have to date a Catholic, but just that you desire a partner of faith and a good moral compass. Perhaps you don’t necessarily need someone with a graduate degree, as long as they’re intelligent and ambitious. 

Your Matchmaker will be able to shed some light on your particular situation and teach you how to increase your scope of potential matches.


Couple on Date Making Bad First Impressions

#CouplesGoals - Bad First Impressions

Do you ever wonder why we celebrate relationships in literature like Romeo and Juliet despite their bad first impressions, heinous miscommunication, tragic endings, and/or obvious character flaws?

In our #CouplesGoals series, we will examine some of those (in)famous love stories and dissect the ins and outs of those fictional relationships that society has put on a pedestal.

Is accidental double suicide really the ideal romance? I think we can do better as a culture, don’t you?

Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite works of classic literature. Not just for the complex web of interpersonal relations, which we will dive into momentarily, but for the continuous lesson of bad first impressions.

Like most writers, I’m an introvert. I listen more than I speak, and I’m cursed with what has lovingly been coined Resting Bitch Face, or RBF in polite company. Many of my friendships began with them saying, “I thought you were mean the first time I met you.”

Nope, that’s just the way my face looks.

So, as someone who often feels like I don’t always make the best initial impression, I can’t get enough of a novel that proves all the characters’ gut-instinct wrong.

Spoiler Alert—I don’t know if this needs to be said for a book that is nearly 225 years old, but just in case. 

Bad First Impressions

When Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy first met, neither one of them liked the other. He basically called her ugly, and she kind of chewed him out in public. By the end, not only are they married, but they are Jane Austen’s version of #couplegoals. 

Alternatively, when Elizabeth meets Mr. Wickham, she’s smitten. We later learn the truth of his money-grabbing background which involved seducing young girls. In fact, he performs his bait and switch routine on Elizabeth’s youngest sister, Lydia. The two end up married in order to protect the family’s reputation. 

After observing his best friend, Mr. Bingley, dance and converse with Elizabeth’s older sister, Jane, Mr. Darcy came to the conclusion that they weren’t a good match. He was so sure of his bad first impression that he basically tells Mr. Bingley, she's just not that into you, and they break up

Clearly Mr. Darcy wasn’t a trained Matchmaker, because as it turns out, Jane is very much into Mr. Bingley. She’s just not into PDA in a time where showing too much ankle would get you slut-shamed. Go figure. 

Austen illustrates false positive and negative first impressions to show how one’s intuition can’t always be trusted.

Dating is a process of gathering information about the other person. You keep learning new things about them until you decide if you want to commit to a relationship with them or not. If you learn new information that negates everything you thought you knew about that person, don’t ignore it. Dig deeper lest you fall into the trap of an imposter.

Rank the Relationship

Elizabeth Bennet & Mr. Darcy: 8/10

I see why they are the novel’s main couple. Their love story includes a decent amount of drama, secrets, and Shakespearean misunderstandings. In the end they overcome their initial bad impressions of one another.

Mr. Darcy falls for Elizabeth despite their socioeconomic differences and his lack of attraction to her. Elizabeth forgives him for meddling in her sister’s affairs after he takes actions to correct his mistakes.

These are key takeaways in our line of business. This is why we always advise a minimum of three dates. Physical attraction and chemistry often grow over time, but so many people write a good match off simply because there weren’t fireworks on the first date.

They’re not a perfect match, but they choose to practice loving one another and that’s what keeps a relationship strong. They accept each other’s flaws, and encourage one another to do better and make things right whenever possible.

Jane Bennet & Mr. Bingley: 10/10

This is my favorite couple, although I must admit, an entire book on their story would be quite boring to read. They’re both shy and a bit reserved, but they click and they work well as a team. If everyone would have just left them alone, they would have been married much earlier and it would have saved a lot of heartache. 

Lydia Bennet & Mr. Wickham: 4/10

Lydia is the youngest of the five sisters. She and Mr. Wickham run off together after he makes her his latest love scam victim. Before rumors and shame overtake the family, Mr. Darcy intervenes again, this time for the better. He pays off Mr. Wickham’s debts, and convinces him to marry Lydia. Their passion burns hot and fast. Those fires rarely last long.

Mr. & Mrs. Bennet: 1/10

Full disclosure—Mrs. Bennet is my least favorite character. Neither of them are shy about announcing to their own daughters which is their favorite child. Maybe that was common practice of the time, but it’s terrible parenting either way you spin it.

Mrs. Bennet is overly dramatic and constantly nagging everyone in sight or playing the victim. Mr. Bennet mocks her to her face and verbally abuses the whole family. Elizabeth says at one point that she couldn’t possibly have a favorable view of marriage after watching her parents’ union her entire life. 


Woman Contemplates Dating After Divorce while Staring at her Ring

Dating After Divorce: Preparing for the Next Chapter

Research says, the second most stressful life event one can experience is divorce. Preceded only by the death of a loved one and followed by a personal health crisis. Dating after divorce can be just as intense if you’re not prepared for what is to come.

First, consider this—dating has evolved tremendously over the last decade. Online dating, specifically dating apps have created an entirely new culture. Tinder came on the scene in September 2012, followed by Bumble in 2014. So, if you’ve been married for the last decade, buckle up.

Things will be very different from first dates you’ve experienced in the past. Gone are the days of getting flowers and picked up at the front door.

Time to Get Back Out There

Unfortunately, I cannot definitively say when someone is ready to start dating after divorce. Every relationship is different; every person is different. Only you will know when you’re ready; move at your own pace.

Your friends and family will encourage you to move on and play the field. They mean well, but you know yourself better than anyone else does. Trust your gut. It’s okay if you’re not ready. 

You should wait until your marriage is officially over, including all the legalities: separation of assets, custody agreements, alimony, etc.

If you are emotionally over your ex, but the paperwork isn’t quite dry, I would advise you to just put off seriously considering another relationship for those last few months. 

Things start to get messy when you start something new without tying up all of your loose ends first. 

Secondly, ask yourself—is it really another relationship you want? Don’t fire up the dating apps just because you’re feeling a bit lonely on Friday night. Are you looking for validation in the form of shirtless bathroom selfies or are you truly ready to open your heart and life up to another person?

When a marriage dissolves, so does the dream of a life together. You planned forever with someone; imagined growing old with her. Then, suddenly it’s all gone. You have to take the time to mourn the loss, just as you would a death.

As painful as it is, let yourself experience the grief. Don’t try to mask it with rebound relationships—that will only delay your healing.

After about a year, most people feel ready to move on. But you should still expect some intense feelings to pop up from time to time. Trauma has a way of doing that. Allow yourself to have those mini meltdowns. It is a natural part of the healing process and it means you’re one step closer to dating after divorce.

Use this time alone to learn about yourself. Reflect on your failed marriage. What will you do differently next time? Are there any characteristics or deal-breakers you will look for when you’re ready to start dating after divorce? 

What to Expect When You're Dating After Divorce

It’s normal to struggle with how to step out of the wife role and into the girlfriend position.

This man has not made a commitment to you yet. You have not stood in front of God and your loved ones to say vows. You are not his wife.

Let me say that one more time—you are not his wife.

Maybe someday you will be his wife, but don’t rush it. Don’t force it. Relish your time as the girlfriend. Learn about yourself, your partner, and how you fit into one another’s lives. Use this time to see if she is someone you could spend forever with.

Don’t use intimacy to manipulate the situation. Some people use physical touch with multiple partners as a way to escape their emotions. Others combine sex and monogamy in an attempt to make the relationship progress more quickly.

Both usually end in disaster.

When you’re used to being one-half of a whole, it’s very difficult to learn how to be on your own. It’s a lonely process full of self-doubt.

There will be guys who seem perfect for weeks and they will disappear out of thin air. Welcome to the world of ghosting.

Try Something New

I would wager you learned a thing or two about yourself during your divorce that you didn’t know before. I challenge you to continue doing that. Expand your horizons. Try new things. Work on yourself. See a therapist. Start a new hobby.

Explore your deal-breakers and really discern if they are things you need in a partner or just preferences you want. Go out with people you normally wouldn’t consider.

Give personality and common interest your primary attention, and make physical attraction a secondary criteria. Science has shown that attraction grows over time. Our brains release a cocktail of happy hormones whenever we are around people who make us laugh and feel good. 

The more time you spend with that person, the better she looks.

You may find that you’re attracted to people who look nothing like your ex. Trauma has a way of doing that too.

Trust that if your Matchmaker suggests someone, there is a definitive reason that the two of you were paired. This is your chance to meet all different types of people from various backgrounds and cultures.

Give it a shot. I dare you.


Couple at a Bar - Conversation Starters

Top 30 Conversation Starters

Vanessa Van Edwards separates conversation starters into three categories based on how long you’ve spent with someone: five minutes, five hours, or five days, in her book, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People.

I happen to be of the belief that everyone opens up at his or her own pace. So, I separate interactions into three categories based on a level of intimacy, rather than a timeframe—small talk, ice breakers, and connection builders. Each one digs just a little bit deeper so you get to know the other person better.

Conversation Starters

I have compiled ten sample questions for each category below. 

Conversation is a delicate dance of leading and following. It’s a matter of giving and receiving information. There’s an art to being vulnerable and asking probing questions without crossing a boundary or oversharing.

If you’re going to ask about deal-breakers, be cautious in how you do so. You don’t want to give off negative energy.

For example, don’t ask your date who they voted for or to which political party they subscribe. At the same time, don’t announce those things about yourself. It’s too direct and very off-putting. Instead, focus on sharing your core values and learning about hers.

If your values align, the rest will follow. 

Small Talk

If you’re an introvert like me, small talk probably isn’t your area of expertise. Unfortunately, it’s a highly-valued social skill in our society. So, I find it helpful to have a few open-ended questions on hand, to get the other person talking.

This allows me and my anxiety a break so I can do what I do best—listen. 

  1. Have you read anything interesting lately?
  2. Do you belong to any organizations?
  3. Who is your celebrity crush?
  4. What is an average day like for you?
  5. Do you do any volunteerism or charitable work?
  6. What is your favorite/dream travel destination?
  7. Tell me about the best and worst parts of your day.
  8. When you visit your hometown, what is the one place you have to stop at?
  9. Do you have any pet peeves?
  10. What does your ideal weekend look like?

Small talk doesn’t have to be meaningless chit chat about the weather. You can use it to really get to know someone on a deeper level if you ask purpose-driven questions and practice active listening.

For example, by asking someone how they would spend their ideal weekend, you can discern things like:

  • Are they a morning person or a night person?
  • Do they prefer alone time or group settings?
  • Are they an introvert or an extrovert?
  • What are their hobbies?
  • How do they like to spend their free time?

That doesn’t even include all of the inferences you can make from their non-verbal communication. And you didn’t have to barrage them with rapid fire questions. Be prepared to answer any question you ask in return, as well.

Ice Breakers

I would advise you to limit yourself to one or two of these types of questions per date. They can range anywhere from whimsical to philanthropic, but one common thread is that they’re complex questions that require critical thinking.

These are those bizarre questions you see on interview lists like—What animal most closely describes your personality?

One question is fun, two is deep, three is just plain exhausting. They’re great questions, but like many great things, require moderation to be most enjoyable. 

  1. What skill or talent have you always wanted to master?
  2. Who is the most fascinating person you’ve ever met?
  3. Would you rather have the ability to speak any language or speak to animals?
  4. If you could pick a superpower, what would it be?
  5. Would you rather take several weekend getaways or one extravagant vacation?
  6. What do you do that other people think is annoying?
  7. Do you have any guilty pleasures?
  8. What is your most irrational fear?
  9. If you could solve one global crisis what would it be?
  10. What is the best gift you’ve ever given or received?

Connection Builders

These are deeper questions that can help you really get to know your date on a more intimate-level.

  1. What is your favorite book of all time?
  2. Tell me about your best friend.
  3. What do you want to accomplish in your lifetime?
  4. Are you close with your family?
  5. What do you love most about your work?
  6. Do you have any side-hustles or passion projects?
  7. How do you want your legacy to be remembered?
  8. What is the one thing that will put you in a good mood, no matter what?
  9. Who is the most influential person in your life?
  10. What is your primary Love Language?

Use your best judgement: if it’s your first date and you’re really hitting it off, these are pretty safe topics. However, if he’s not keen to open up, if their body language is closed off, if they are giving you short answers—my advice is to stick to lighter conversation starters until they’re more comfortable.

If your date is slow to open up, don’t write them off or hold it against them. You never know what another person has experienced in their past. If you share similar values, it’s likely a good match. Just be patient and give it time. 


4 Ladies Pose for Camera- Womens Intuition

Myth or Magic: Women’s Intuition

We’ve all heard of women’s intuition. It’s an age-old phenomenon, but in recent years science has proven its validity.

Did you know that women make better spies, according to the CIA?

Okay, ladies, now let’s get in formation.

According to the British Journal of Psychology, Intuition is what happens when the brain draws on past experiences and external cues to make a decision—but it happens so fast that the reaction is at an unconscious level.

Intuition is our brain’s ability to draw on internal and external cues while making rapid, in-the-moment decisions. Often occurring subconsciously, intuition relies on our brain’s ability to instantaneously evaluate the situation and make a decision based on gut-instincts.

Judith Orloff, MD, is the assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA and the author of Guide to Intuitive Healing: Five Steps to Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Wellness. She said the following:

Just like the brain, there are neurotransmitters in the gut that can respond to environmental stimuli and emotions in the now—it's not just about past experiences. When those neurotransmitters fire, you may feel the sensation of butterflies or uneasiness in your stomach. Researchers theorize that gut-instinct plays a large role in intuition by sending signals to your brain. I teach my patients to always listen to their gut—that sixth sense that's telling you something might not be right—particularly if you're sensing danger. If you listen to it and you're wrong, you've lost nothing. Perhaps you took a longer route home or you ducked into a store until the feeling passed. If you don't listen to it and you're right, things could turn out very badly. More often than not, your gut is right, so listen up! It's always better to be safe than sorry.

Science suggests women's intuition is a product of evolution. Females with a strong ability to understand and predict the needs of their children and mates thrive over females with inferior senses.

Previous generations were often expected to be seen but not heard. Because of this, they developed a deep sense of observation by becoming hyper-sensitive to the feelings and nonverbal cues of others.

Women may exhibit more empathy, intuition, collaboration, self-control, and appropriate concern because of increased blood flow in the brain. Or as Dr. Daniel Amen, Founder of the Amen Clinics, put it:

“The female brain is wired for leadership.”

Perhaps they should have been listening to us all along. 

We are also better at showing our emotions through facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language. Whereas, men are better at hiding their emotions and maintaining a poker face. But often, we’re still able to decode your tells. 

Research on nonverbal communication skills shows women are better at reading facial expressions and emotions. As a result, we are more likely to pick up on the subconscious cues of others.

The University of Cambridge conducted an experiment where they showed 90,000 people photographs of only people’s eyes. They were then asked to conclude the person’s mood based on the appearance of the eyes in the photo.

Unsurprisingly, the ladies dominated. #GirlPower

When comparing MRI scans of brain activity, the female brain reveals an increased number of neural connections, making it more efficient. This helps with interpreting one’s social surroundings.

The male brain, on the other hand, is neurologically wired to be more logical, making it more effective at linking perception with action. This helps men be more intuitive. You guys also have better spatial intelligence, so stop making us navigate!

History and science both agree women’s intuition is more than just a myth. Listen to that little voice in your head; trust your gut.


Shirtless Bathroom Selfie - Profile Pics

20 Tips for Profile Pics

Last time, I talked about the importance of having the right profile pics. Today, I want to go a little further by giving you my top 20 tips for profile pics. These are action items to help you take the most flattering photos for your dating profile.

Different online services and dating apps have different capabilities, but if you’re able to, you should include at least three photos in your profile. Use your profile pics to show who you really are.

20 Tips for Profile Pics

  1. The first picture should be a nice clear headshot, it’s ok to use colour or black and white, whatever you prefer and feels represents you well.
  2. You should also have a full length shot that shows your physique. Take it at a flattering angle and avoid the dreaded bathroom/gym mirror selfie. 
  3. Your third photo is up to you! Use this one to highlight your personality.
  4. Think about whether you want to take the photo indoors or outdoors. Clean up any clutter that may appear in the background.
  5. There is no shame in standing in front of a blank wall, sometimes those make the best profile pics.
  6. Be natural, relax, and smile.
  7. Wear clothes that make you feel comfortable and confident. If it feels awkward, or fits wrong, your discomfort may show in the photo.
  8. Find a spot with natural lighting, and make sure there are no shadows hiding your face.
  9. Have some fun! Grab a friend that you feel totally comfortable with, and goof around a little, so your best self comes out in the picture.
  10. Update your photos every three months.
  11. Don’t post photos with other women. I once saw a man using a photo of himself and his ex-wife on their wedding day on his dating profile.
  12. No group shots. Nobody wants to play a guessing game to figure out who’s who.
  13. Keep your clothes on! No bare chest guys I know it’s tempting, especially if you have a great physique, but it does far more damage than good.
  14. No silly poses, goofy faces, or funny costumes.
  15. Your profile pics should highlight your face, not any other body part. You know if I’m talking to you.
  16. No Sunglasses. Let us see your eyes.
  17. I don’t care if you caught the Megalodon, no woman cares to see you holding up a dead fish.
  18. No hatfishing. Unless you plan on wearing that backwards ballcap on a first date (please don’t), take if off for your profile pics.
  19. If you are bald, be proud and show the world. A lot of women only date bald men, so own it!  
  20. Your hair and facial hair should be styled just as it will when you show up for a date.

Woman Takes Selfie on Beach for Her Profile Picture

A Profile Picture is Worth A Thousand Words

Your profile picture is the first thing people see, and it’s what will make them want to swipe right or message you. We have done some experiments to see what gets the right attention and what attracts the wrong attention.

Did you know most people make up their mind about you within the first six seconds?

I will admit, I am often guilty of being highly critical when it comes to crafting a dating profile. I like to think of it as a resume for love. Please forgive my passion, but I cannot stress enough, how important it is to put your best foot forward with a flattering photo.

So, what is your profile picture telling them at first glance? Your first goal is to just get them to give your profile a second look; pique their interest!

A Profile Picture is a Necessity

Not having photos on your dating profile will get you all the wrong attention. If people think you want to be anonymous, then most will assume you are only after a casual sexual encounter. If that’s not what you’re looking for, then let’s make sure you post a really good photo that indicates this isn’t what you want.

It is better to wait until you are ready to post your profile picture and your bio is complete before you start browsing so that you start out on the right foot.

Without a photo, you will only attract unwanted attention, and this can be hard for some people to handle.

Your main photo should be you and you alone. No children, friends, family, or pets. Just a nice, clear photo of you. Pose naturally, smile, dress and wear your hair as you would for a typical first date.

Headshots are great, but you should also include a full-body photo in your profile.

Depending on how many photos you can upload to the site or app you’re using, you can include group shots, but make sure it’s not the first thing they see. Nobody wants to go hunting through a photo to find out which one you are.

There are some apps that hide or blur your photos, so that you have to get to know someone before you make a snap judgement on their appearance.

It is a great tool to get you to pay a monthly subscription as most people are so curious they will pay just to see what someone looks like, and then you choose who you reveal your photo to.

Keep Your Photos Updated

Ok, let’s get serious now, why would you want to put a photo up from five years ago? None of us are getting any younger, that’s a well-known fact! People are known to send the oldest and best photo they have, and it infuriates me. I am often sent a photo before a consultation to show me how a potential client represents themselves and when I meet them I do a double take!

When I ask how old the photo is, I inevitably hear a story about someone’s brother’s wedding from three years ago. It makes me crazy.

No wonder they are not getting any second dates! Usually, the first date doesn’t even last longer than 30-60 minutes, depending on how polite the other person is. I understand feeling self-conscious about aging, but you’re setting yourself up for failure if you misrepresent yourself online.

Keep your photos current and make sure they’re an honest reflection of you. We are constantly changing. Anytime your style changes, you update your hair colour, gain or lose weight, etc. you should be updating your photos. If you’re clean shaven, don’t have a beard in all of your photos.

You should also change your photos up every three months or so, after all it doesn’t reflect well if people see the same photos. They’re likely to think you are a serial dater. If a photo is not generating the right interest then change it sooner. Play around with your profile picture, additional photos, and bio until you find what works.


Couple on Coffee Date Not Oversharing

TMI: The Fine Line Between Oversharing & Authenticity

Oversharing is Not Uncommon

Meeting new people can be very intimidating. Often dating anxiety leads men and women to overshare on a first date or at the beginning of a possible relationship. While it may seem like a great way to build a quick connection or get difficult topics out of the way, it isn't building a solid foundation for a stable relationship.

“Using vulnerability is not the same thing as being vulnerable; it’s the opposite—it’s armor.” -Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Daters who share way too much information are often doing so out of anxiety. Everyone is worried about how they look, act, dress, etc. Oversharing can relieve that anxiety, but it can very quickly turn into a therapy session. 

Oversharing often occurs despite the best of intentions. They may share something embarrassing to overshadow someone else’s shame, or try to fill an awkward silence to make their date more comfortable. Unfortunately, it can often backfire and actually make everyone that much more uncomfortable. 

Avoid discussing things like previous relationships, financials, estranged family members, and medical history. A good rule of thumb is to steer clear of any topics that bring up negative emotions.

Prepare for your date the same way you would prepare for an interview, review appropriate topics beforehand so you won’t panic anytime there is a slight pause in the flow of conversation

Do I Share Too Much?

Let’s do a quick self-assessment; ask yourself the following questions. 

  • Do I know as much about the lives of my friends, family, and acquaintances as they know about me?
  • Do I talk a lot when I get nervous?
  • How often do I catch myself saying things like, I shouldn’t be telling you this, but...?
  • How often look back on conversations with regrets?
  • Do I often share intimate details about my life with strangers or acquaintances?
  • Do I fill lulls in conversation by any means necessary?
  • Have I ever shared something about myself to:
    • Cultivate a connection with someone?
    • Make someone else feel comfortable?
    • Take the focus off of someone else?
    • Gain someone’s sympathy?
    • Get someone’s attention?

Conversations should be reciprocal;  be sure to practice active listening. Pay attention to your date’s body language. Are they sitting back, looking away, or playing on their phone? TMI means you run the risk of making your date uncomfortable and alienating them before they even get a chance to know you.

Building connections through vulnerability is one of the best parts about dating and new relationships. Getting to know a person on a deep, personal level is a beautiful, challenging experience. Do you find yourself sharing too much because you crave interpersonal connections? 

Unfortunately, when you overshare early on, it doesn’t speed up the relationship process like you might hope. The early stages of a relationship where couples keep things light while they get to know one another is key to building a solid foundation. Sharing your personal story can be empowering—at the right time, in the right place, with the right people.