Ask a Matchmaker: How Do I Avoid the Next Tinder Swindler?
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve likely heard about the latest dating disaster taking the internet by storm.
That is, of course, The Tinder Swindler.
In Netflix’s latest documentary, we’re told the story of a dashing, real-life “Prince of Diamonds” named Simon Leviev (at least, that’s what he called himself). Wealthy, handsome, and the son of the Russian/Israeli diamond tycoon Lev Leviev, Simon appeared to be the total package.
The only problem?
None of it was real.
Simon (who is actually Shimon Yehuda Hayut) lied about everything. From his name to his family ties–all of it was an elaborate front designed to scam millions of dollars from unsuspecting women that he met through dating apps.
Sadly, this tragic tale of lies and deceit is just the latest addition to what is becoming an all-too-common phenomenon of romantic fraud.
As a matchmaker, many of my clients come to me with stories that are horrifyingly similar to that of the victims within the film. Along with the immense financial debts and heartbreak, they are often left with a sense of deep emotional scarring. After such a betrayal, it can take years to learn how trust again.
The story of The Tinder Swindler and his victims was more than just a sensational story–it was a wake up call.
Want to avoid being swindled in your love life? Here's what singles in today’s modern dating market can learn from The Tinder Swindler.
Financial help should be off-limits
The Tinder Swindler chronicles the story of three victims–Cecile, Penilla, and Ayleen–as they recount their experiences of Simon’s emotional and financial betrayal.
After hearing their stories of love and loss, one thing becomes abundantly clear: the only thing worse than being heartbroken?
Being heartbroken and broke.
When Cecile first met Simon, she was whisked away into a wonderland of luxury. Between the designer clothing, 5-star hotels, and constant trips on his private planes, it was obvious that Simon was a man with money.
So, later, when Simon needed a little financial help in order to avoid the wrath of his “enemies,” Cecile had no reason to believe that he wouldn’t eventually be able to pay her back.
This request for money, however, was only a month into dating. At this point in their relationship, Simon and Cecile should have just been getting to know each other–not exchanging routing numbers.
While finances are important aspects of a relationship, actually giving money to your significant other is a slippery slope to slide down. If monetary support is ever appropriate, it should be reserved exclusively for when a relationship gets much more serious.
Someone who is new into a relationship would not feel comfortable making this sort of request. If they do, it should be viewed as a major red flag.
Beware the dangers of online dating
Despite the scary statistics reported about the dangers of online dating, apps like Tinder continue to thrive in popularity amongst singles.
Many feel it is the best way to find their own prince charming–a diamond in the rough, as it were. But, as we learned from The Tinder Swindler, even the “Prince of Diamonds” was nothing more than a sparkling online persona.
In the film, Simon was quick to gather personal information. The women shared copies of their passport, credit card information, and even the phone numbers to certain family members. When his behavior eventually changed, the women felt vulnerable, knowing that he had their information at his disposal.
Avoid this situation by not sharing personal information or photos online.
Together is better
While the advancement of technology has provided tons of benefits for dating singles, it’s also introduced many unsuspecting risks.
Before, singles would need to go out on several dates before knowing if they wanted to pursue a relationship with someone. Now, there’s texting, voice messages, and FaceTime for that. For long-distance couples trying to maintain the spark despite being apart, these modern advancements are very helpful. It can be dangerous, however, if you’re falling in love with someone you’ve only met in person once–or in some cases, never at all.
In the case of the Tinder Swindler, Cecile and Penilla’s relationships with Simon were largely virtual. Simon used his “jet-setting lifestyle” as an excuse to avoid actually being with the girls. He only seemed to appear in person when it was necessary to maintain the romance (manipulation) within the relationship.
No matter how busy their schedule, someone who is genuinely interested in getting to know you will make time for you.
While messaging and phone calls are a great way to maintain a relationship, being physically together is the best way to get to know a person. Next time you start to fall for someone, make sure your feelings are rooted in reality–not Whatsapp.
Don’t rush the relationship
One of the most disturbing details within the film was the identical way in which his victims described their whirlwind romances with Simon.
In each relationship, his first step towards financial domination over his victims was to overwhelm them with love and affection.
From good morning texts, fine dining, to enormous bouquets of roses, Cecile, Penilla, and Ayleen all felt like Simon’s attention was like something out of a movie.
Although seemingly romantic, Simon was actually employing a common manipulation tactic is known as “love bombing.”
Often used by narcissists, “love bombing” is when a partner showers the other with over-the-top attention and affection. It usually happens at the beginning of a relationship as a way to ‘win over’ the other partner.
Remember that getting to know someone takes time. If you’ve only been dating for a few weeks and your partner is already asking you to move in with them, they’re rushing the relationship.
If you think your significant other is dropping love bombs, it’s probably time to take shelter.
Don’t fall for potential
Like many women, Cecile grew up with fairy tales and epic Hollywood romances. Although she knew life was no Disney movie, she couldn’t help but imagine that when she fell in love, it would feel just as magical.
Predators like Simon can sense this wishful thinking and use it to their advantage. A master manipulator, Simon knew that many women dream of meeting a dashing prince that will sweep them off their feet.
For the women he met on Tinder, he became just that. He pulled out all the tricks so that they’d fall for–not who he was–but who he could be.
By distracting his dates with his luxurious, jet-setting lifestyle, Simon cleverly blurred the lines between reality and fantasy. The women were quick to fall in love with the potential of him being a seemingly perfect partner.
By the time Simon started asking them for money, the women were already too deep in his deception to see the red flags.
Each woman described feeling extremely uncomfortable about the amounts of money Simon asked them to shell out. Despite this, they ignored their intuition and gave in anyway.
The lesson? Don’t fall in love with potential. Fall in love with reality. Remember that when something seems too good to be true, it usually is. Unfortunately, for the women scammed by the “Tinder Swindler,” they weren’t able to realize that until it was too late.
Avoid the next Tinder Swindler
Amongst all the real-life horror within The Tinder Swindler, the most terrifying fact is that this can happen to anyone.
If you have been victim to romantic fraud, don’t blame yourself. In today’s dating market, it’s increasingly difficult to know who is worthy of your trust.
Thankfully there is a tried and true solution to this modern problem. By working with a matchmaker, you can be assured that all of your dates will be with quality, like-minded singles.
All applicants at The Setup go through a thorough vetting process before being accepted as a client. Our members greatly enjoy the freedom and confidence that comes with dating in a truly safe environment.
Don’t get fooled again!
Swipe left to swindlers and join The Setup.
Behind the Scenes of Matchmaking
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a Matchmaker?
We talked with The Setup’s star players: Genevieve Gresset, Heather Drury, Marie Glover, Jesse Turner, and Tian Wilynn, to see what it’s really like playing Cupid for a living.
What does a Matchmaker do, exactly?
Genevieve: As Vice President of Matchmaking, I oversee all our company’s operations. I’m also a Master Executive Matchmaker. That means one of my biggest responsibilities is training and supporting the development of other matchmakers both within the company and from around the world.
Heather: As a matchmaker, communication is key! We get in the office, check emails, texts, and return voicemails with our clients. After that, lots and lots of matchmaking. Sometimes we brainstorm amongst other matchmakers to come up with creative matches to fit our clients’ needs. We turn over every stone to find our client’s ideal match.
Marie: To put it simply, I do everything I can to find the right person for my clients.
Walk us through your day. What does a typical day in the life of a Matchmaker?
Genevieve: I often start my mornings by going over the previous day’s statistics. I check all the reporting and collaborate with other matchmakers to identify clients in need of extra support. Every day is different and is based on the needs of our clients. Part of my job also includes media appearances, like my weekly spot on the BBC as their resident love and dating expert.
Jesse: The first thing I do is check for new enrollments. This is my favorite part of the day because I start to think about whom I could match them with and the creative juices start to flow. I welcome them and then, I touch base with existing clients. Throughout the day, I’m constantly checking emails, returning voicemails, and attending to the needs of my clients.
What’s your favorite part about working for The Setup?
Tian: One of the best things about our company is its investment in matchmakers. Every week, all the matchmakers join for a meeting where we learn new tips about how to service our clients. Genevieve has been great about keeping things fresh in those meetings. She regularly hosts workshops with guest speakers who have taught us everything from breath work to vision boards. Every week, we learn how to improve our skills as matchmakers and encourage each other to succeed.
What are some common hurdles you face at work? How do you overcome them?
Heather: The biggest hurdle is when a client is unwilling to compromise. Sometime’s they get stuck in the checkboxes—but falling in love is more finding a partner with the perfect job, body, etc. We often tell our clients to “break up” with their deal breakers. Sometimes, those ideas could be holding them back from finding true love!
Marie: Oftentimes, the biggest hurdle for our clients is themselves. It’s human nature to love what’s comfortable, but that’s usually what keeps people in a dating rut. Everyone wants to stay on the tree trunk because it’s safe, but you gotta get on the branch because that’s where the fruit is!
Tian: It’s tough when clients take the process too seriously. In my experience, the clients that end up falling in love are the ones that have the most fun with it. I try to remind my clients to just go out and take a chance.
What’s the craziest dating horror story you’ve heard?
Marie: I set up a pair of clients that seemed like a good match. My only concern was their age difference. He was in his 60’s. She was quite a bit younger and much more active. They were hitting it off, and he found her incredibly funny and charming. That is—until his teeth fell out. She made a joke that made him laugh so hard that his dentures fell out of his mouth and onto the table! There was a moment of silence and he was embarrassed, but she found it endearing. In the end, there was no love connection but they are still friends to this day.
Heather: All I’m going to say is don’t get your mom involved in your matchmaking! It never turns out well.
What are your favorite love stories from clients?
Genevieve: I was recently on UK’s hit show, Married at First Sight. All of the couples that I matched are still together, married, and one just welcomed in a baby!
Marie: I had one client who had kind of given up on the idea of love. She made her intentions very clear: she didn’t want love or marriage—just a friend. I started searching for her, but something in the back of my mind kept pushing me towards another client of mine. He was a firefighter, a bit older, and the opposite of what she wanted. After several weeks of me encouraging her to just try it out, she agreed to go out with him. Later, she called me telling me that she couldn’t stop thinking about him, and was head over heels in love. Not long after that, she proposed to him! Now, they’re happily married.
Tian: Even though I tell my clients that nothing good happens overnight, sometimes it does! One of my female clients found the love of her life on her first date! But the guy? He was on his 17th date. Thankfully, he never gave up. He trusted the process and was rewarded in the end. It was love at first sight for both of them. Not long after that, they got married!
Heather: My favorite part of my job is when our clients send us their love stories. I always love reading them, but I recently received a special thank you note from one of my coaching clients. Thanks to our guidance throughout her dating journey, she had started to feel like herself again for the first time in years. I found this so beautiful because we were able to help her fall in love with herself! That is something that most people forget when dating, yet it is so important.
What’s something that you tell all of your clients?
Marie: A lot of times, our clients will start their dating journey with a mental checklist of necessary qualifications for their partner. I try to remind them that going on dates is not like a job interview! There is no black and white when it comes to love.
Tian: Nobody is perfect. So, there is no shame in asking for help from time to time. I always tell my clients, if the Dali Lama and Oprah Winfrey need coaches and mentors, then so do we!
What’s something you want your clients to know about you?
Genevieve: My experience at Married at First Sight showed that, even under pressure, I was able to find successful matches for my clients. This is especially relevant during the pandemic when dating seems more stressful than ever. Therefore, no matter how unusual the circumstances, I’ve proven that I can still find successful matches. I feel confident in what I do. My clients can feel confident, too.
Jesse: When I’m speaking with a client, I want them to know that everything is coming from an authentic desire to help them find love. Matchmaking can be emotional at times, so I try to make sure my clients feel heard and validated when we speak.
Marie: I’m a sap. I want people to know that this isn’t just a job for us. My day does not end at 5 o’clock. Love never ends! I’ll be at home, in the shower, and think: “Oh! What about Larry with Sally?” There have been times when I’ve been out with my husband, will see a single man who could be a good fit for a client, and I’ll go approach him. Every matchmaker has a story for why they do this—and it’s not for the paycheck. For me, it’s because I genuinely believe that, at the end of the day, nothing matters but love.
What makes The Setup different?
Genevieve: What sets us apart is the ongoing training and development that we invest in our staff. Not only does it make for a better team, but it reflects in the success rate for our clients.
Heather: We are more than a matchmaking company. We are all-encompassing love and relationship educational provider. We want you to reach your full potential as a partner so that when you do meet the right one, you’re the right one for them, too.
Jesse: The Setup is seriously changing the game of matchmaking. There’s no glass ceiling for what the company can do. We will continue to build client relations and be the most relevant, successful, and cutting-edge matchmaking firm in the world.
Marie: The Setup is the end-all, be-all that people have been looking for. It’s a safe space to meet new people with long-term intentions. For singles looking for real, lasting love, The Setup is the smartest choice.
The Setup’s #DatingDictionary
#DatingDictionary
Dating has gone through a complete evolutionary renaissance in the last few decades, and with it comes an entire new #DatingDictionary. Even Webster adds new words every year!
I like to call it the Glossary of Ghosting.
Breadcrumbing
We’ve all been there. You’re really into someone new and they seem to like you too. Or is that just your imagination convincing you there’s a chance because you want it so badly?
They put a fraction of the effort in that you do. You’re always the one to call or initiate plans. If you’re honest with yourself, they flake on you pretty frequently.
But just when you feel completely fed up and decide you’re ready to move on, they drop little bread crumbs of affection to reel you back in. If you step back and examine things objectively, you’ll realize that you’re getting bottom of the barrel crumbs when you deserve so much more than that.
Catfishing
It’s a very broad term that can cover everything from completely fake online personas, to overly edited pictures. Although, sometimes lighter cases are referred to as Kittenfishing.
The bottom line is, be true to yourself and authentic both online and off.
Cuffing Season
Cuffing season begins toward the end of summer and lasts typically through Valentine’s Day. Cuffing someone means to lock them down in a relationship.
So cuffing season refers to the time of year when the party dies down and the weather cools off. It puts people in the mood to couple up and snuggle in for the winter, and guarantees a plus one for all Holiday activities.
Cushioning
This is when someone entertains the idea of dating other people while they’re in a relationship.
People often do this when they’re considering a break-up. They download the apps just to see what’s out there, or they flirt with a co-worker to find out if the grass is greener.
DTR
DTR stands for Define the Relationship.
This is that sweet spot after you’ve been talking to the same person for a while and you’re ready to figure out if there’s a future. Does this person want to date exclusively, or are they condemning you to a situationship?
Ghosting
Ghosting is the sudden, unexpected cease of all communication from one party within a relationship.
“He bailed on our plans last weekend and hasn’t texted me back in days. I think I’m being ghosted.”
Hatfishing
A lot of men reading this are probably guilty of hatfishing. It’s okay, this is a safe space. Hatfishing is when you use hats to hide your hair (or lack thereof) because of insecurities.
I can’t tell you how many dating profiles I’ve seen in which every single photo, the man is wearing a hat. Women want to see the real you, don’t hide under a cap.
And remember, bald is beautiful.
Haunting
Abby disappeared on Ryan last summer after they had been seeing each other pretty steadily. Hee just stopped texting her with no explanation. Today, out of nowhere he texted and said, “Hey stranger! I finally watched that movie you were telling me about, you were right!”
Ryan has returned from the dead.
NSA
NSA stands for No Strings Attached, also known as friends with benefits.
This is a sexual relationship without a romantic commitment. These terms are often used on dating apps by people who are involved in both ethically and unethically open relationships.
Orbiting
This is something that ghosts do. After they’ve disappeared, they start engaging with you on social media. They orbit your digital life to stay on your radar, but never commit to much more than that. It could be anything from liking your latest post, to sending DMs even though they left you on read and never called you back.
Polyamory
Also known as Non-Monogamy, Open Relationships, or Swinging, couples who engage in polyamory have romantic and/or sexual relationships with additional partners.
This type of relationship is not considered cheating, as all parties involved are aware of and consent to the sharing of partners.
Roster
I’ve also heard this called a lineup or benching. Others refer to it as going back to the Well. Whatever you call it, this is when you like someone enough to keep seeing them, but you have no plans to ever take the relationship to the next level.
This is someone you just want to have fun with. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you’re open and honest about your expectations.
Situationship
Do you have a friend you call whenever you’re super single and need a plus one for an event?
Maybe you kissed once on Midnight at a New Years Eve party after a few too many glasses of champagne, but you never really defined the relationship. Nevertheless you’ve remained in each other’s circles and the chemistry never falters when you’re together.
Congratulations, you’re in a situationship!
This word can really describe any romantic couple that hasn’t defined the relationship. They never use words like girlfriend or future. They have formed a casual connection that feels comfortable and fits their situation.
Stashing
Jason and Kylie have been talking for several months now, and they go out on a date most Friday nights. The weird thing is, Kylie’s never met any of Jason’s friends, family, or co-workers. They never stay out late, because Jason goes to his nephew’s soccer game and the whole family goes out to brunch every Saturday morning, but Kylie’s never been invited.
Jason is stashing Kylie away and hiding his real life from her. There are a myriad of reasons for doing this and not all of them are nefarious, but don’t you deserve better?
Talking
Every generation has their own vernacular from going steady to hanging out. When you say you’re talking to someone it’s just another way of saying you’re dating, but you haven’t defined the relationship yet.
Thirst Trap
This is when you post a really sexy photo of yourself online in the hopes of catching the attention of your crush.
How to Catch a Catfish
Dating apps are like the Wild West, so swipers beware! Today we’re going to teach you how to catch a catfish, so you will be a little safer online.
When online dating was in its infancy, it was like Fight Club. Nobody talked about it and everyone lied about how they met. There was a shared sense of societal shame. Try saying that five times fast. As online dating evolved from sketchy chat rooms to the apps we know today, so did society’s acceptance.
As it’s become more common, online dating has bred a whole new generation of bad dating behavior.
In its simplest terms, a catfish is someone who lies about who they are online. They use a fake persona or phony photos and reel in romantic partners online. There’s a whole MTV show dedicated to it.
Listen to Your Intuition
If it feels too good to be true, chances are—it is.
If you notice red flags in the first few messages, let it go unless you want to catch a catfish.
- The want to switch to another app quickly
- There is an urgent family crisis
- They’re suddenly traveling abroad
- They ask you specific, personal or financial information
- The things they say don’t match the information in their profile
- They have multiple profiles or aliases
A common characteristic among catfish—they can’t spell. Despite often boasting post-graduate degrees, catfish will typically display poor spelling and grammar skills. Typos and shorthand are one thing. Maybe they’re in a hurry, maybe they just have fat fingers. But just pay attention and trust your gut.
Does their behavior and language match the persona they have displayed online?
Take Action
The Federal Trade Commission reported a record $304 million lost in romance scams throughout 2020. That’s up 50% from the previous year.
Signs of a Scam:
- They say “I love you,” shortly after meeting
- They are from the U.S. but are living overseas.
- They ask for money in an attempt to lure you off the dating site
- They promise to visit but an emergency prevents them from doing so
When you’re online, lead with your head, not your heart. All of the cues we are privy to in person: body language, mannerisms, eye contact or validation of one’s appearance are absent online. A photo on an app isn’t confirmation that someone is real.
So, whatever method you opt to use to find love, be sure to properly vet them or employ others to do the work for you. There are plenty of fish in the sea, just don’t catch a catfish!
If you have been a victim of an online dating scam, click here to report it!
#SuccessfulSingles: How to Date a Doctor
At The Setup, we specialize in setting up like-minded, career-oriented singles and sending them out on their last first date. So, we thought it would be helpful to look at the pros and cons of different jobs when it comes to dating. The COVID finish line is finally in sight, but after the time we’ve had I figured we should start off with How to Date a Doctor!
Dating apps can seem harmless, but they have their fair share dangers, especially for wealthy or high-profile individuals. Making your love life public can lead to all sorts of dangerous or uncomfortable situations.
The Setup is a discreet matchmaking service. Our members undergo detailed evaluations and a thorough background screen, so we know who we’re setting you up with!
How to Date a Doctor
It can be virtually impossible for a medical professional to carve time out of their busy schedule to sort through pages of dating profiles.
You can make some pretty fair assumptions even before the first date. For instance, the guy finished Med School, so you know he’s smart, driven, and committed. All highly-coveted characteristics in a mate.
When dating a doctor, you can expect additional quarantine and/or sanitation policies and procedures. I wouldn’t advise an anti-masker or anti-vaxxer to date a doctor. Remember the Pandemic is not forever, but there may be times throughout his or her career that will require additional medical precautions.
Their patients come first. There will be many times that you will have to take a bit of a backseat to your partner’s work. Put your ego aside and try to put yourself in the patient’s shoes. Are your dinner reservations really that important in the grand scheme of life and death?
Dating a doctor requires you to exercise patience and flexibility. There will be late nights, long hours, and weekends on-call. So, learn to love your alone time. Sometimes, they will have to cancel plans. That doesn’t mean you’re being ghosted or you don’t matter.
Avoid making concrete plans that cannot be altered like tickets to an event or travel arrangements without consulting them first. If something on their schedule keeps them from going, you’re left holding the tickets.
Doctors have often experienced emotional trauma at work. Studies show many health care workers experience similar Post-Traumatic Stress symptoms as combat veterans. It’s important that you can be a safe place for your partner to land after a taxing shift. If they need to unload, just listen to them.
Give them a shoulder rub, open their favorite bottle of wine, find a light-hearted show you both love. Try to help them unwind after a long shift. Doctors spend all their time giving of themselves to their patients. It’s good for them to have a partner who fills their love tank at the end of a long day.
Now that you’ve learned how to date a doctor...what profession do you want us to cover next?
Haunting: When Ghosters Return
So you’ve been ghosted...or have you? You feel your phone vibrate. Why is HE liking your Instagram posts?! You haven’t talked in weeks, not since he dropped off planet Earth and stopped texting you back. Welcome to the wonderful world of Haunting. Some people call it Zombie-ing, they mean the same thing.
What is Haunting, you ask? Well, remember when we discussed ghosting? It’s exactly like that except one step further.
HE’S BAAACK.
It usually starts as a toe-dip interaction, like a text. Ghosts rarely risk jumping into the deep end of the commitment pool, because they already feel a sense of shame for their bad behavior. They knew it was wrong, and they ghosted you anyway.
If he hasn’t risen from the dead with full remorse, redemption in mind, and maybe some flowers, let him sit in his own shame for a little longer.
Why Not Just Stay Dead?
Motives for Haunting can vary anywhere from boredom, to true courting intentions. That’s what makes them so dangerous—it’s up to you to decide if this person is worth your energy and if so, do they have nefarious or ulterior reasons for reaching out?
You don’t want to be someone’s Friday night entertainment.
Haunting, like most bad dating behavior, stems from low self-esteem. Maybe he met someone else, and he’s just now realizing it’s not going to work. So he’s dipping back into his well of exes.
Let’s just call it what it is: attention-seeking behavior.
“Zombies want to see if they can still get a reaction, says Kate Balestrieri, PsyD & Founder of Modern Intimacy. “They're using it as a way to get validation if they're feeling low about themselves."
You have to decide for yourself if this person is worth the risk. My mom likes to quote Dr. Phil when he says, “The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.”
The Haunting Has Begun, Now What?
You really only have two options when a ghost comes back to haunt you. You either engage with them or ignore them.
If you decide to engage, proceed with caution.
In a 2010 study, researchers at Rutgers University found that looking at your ex triggers the same part of the brain as a cocaine addiction, creating an obsession with romantic rejection.
Ask yourself, do you want to open Pandora’s box?
You have to be careful if you’re going to date a zombie. It’s essential to have very clear plans in place for connecting, when you’re going to be spending time, and how often you’ll text. -Jane Greer, PhD, Family & Marriage Therapist
Reflect back on your relationship. Are there any other red flags or bad behavior you can remember? Did he have a legitimate excuse for his disappearing and subsequently, reappearing act? Did he apologize? Do you believe him or does it sound like BS?
From here, you have to decide if you want to continue communication and open the doors for a potential relationship again. Keep in mind, this also opens you up to the same trap you already fell for. Fool me once, and all that.
Don’t forget you always have the option of ignoring him. Delete the text, block his number, and pretend like it never happened, if you need to. You are not required to engage if you don’t want to.
When in doubt, turn your experiences into art like Allison Wade. She turned some of the best (read: worst) texts she’s received from exes into works of art.
Ghosting: How to Maintain Your Spirit
There’s a certain level of anonymity to dating apps. Most of the time, you’re swiping, messaging, and meeting complete strangers. You likely don’t have common friends and run in very different circles.
This allows one to pull off a disappearing act quite easy.
Did you know over half of today’s daters have first-hand experience with ghosting?
What is Ghosting?
Ghosting is the sudden, unexpected cease of all communication from one party within a relationship. Although the term is new, it wasn’t born through dating apps, and it isn’t a new concept.
I assume you have heard the cliché of a father who went out for cigarettes and never came back—that guy ghosted his whole family. It’s not specific to romantic relationships either, we all know a girl who ditches her friends whenever she gets a boyfriend.
The most common form of ghosting can be explained by the following scenario:
You matched with a guy on an app and shared a number of pleasant chats. He asks for your number and eventually, you meet in person. After a few dates and weeks of facetimes, he suddenly stops responding to your texts. He dodges your calls, and bails on your weekend plans. You assume he’s caught up with work and give it a week or so before you really start to worry. Your girlfriends help you craft the perfect text to reach out and learn what went wrong, but you get no response. You’re then left wondering if you did something wrong, he met someone else, or even if he died.
This is an emotionally painful situation to find yourself in. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. For one reason or another he just didn’t see a future with you. Unfortunately, he was unable to communicate that to you—so he ghosted.
“It’s really important to remember if someone ghosts you, that behavior says more about them than you. It’s about their discomfort.” -Dr. Jennice Vilhauer
Why do People Ghost?
I’m a firm believer that most negative behavior stems from a basis of fear. When humans are afraid, they respond with either fight, flight, or freeze. Ghosting is a combination of the latter two. The ghost freezes communication because he or she is afraid of the outcome if the relationship continues, and flees from the situation in order to avoid difficult conversations or unwanted outcomes.
Why do Men Ghost?
Maybe he’s busy with his career or his family. He could be going through a rough time mentally, physically, or emotionally. I think we can all agree COVID-19 threw everyone into a state of a crisis. Maybe he met someone unexpectedly or an ex came back into his life.
Although it’s hard to stomach, there’s also the chance he’s just not that into you. But that’s okay. You can’t expect every guy you meet to be the love of your life.
There is also the fear of rejection. It’s sort of a get them before they get me first approach. People with this method of dating are not in the right mindset for a long-lasting, committed relationship anyway. Someone who has a pattern of leaving before they get left, will never stay long enough to work through the hard stuff that life tends to throw at us.
Why do Women Ghost?
One of the most common fears that cause women to ghost is the fear of retaliation. We have been socialized and trained to play nice and never offend a man’s ego. Because of that, some women were simply never taught a polite but effective way to turn down a man’s advances.
How many comedies play off of a woman’s inability to kindly reject a man who buys her a drink at a bar, when she’s clearly not interested in him? There is more truth in that than most of us would like to admit.
Unfortunately, there is a darker side to this fear of retaliation. And that is the very real threat of violence and abuse women have historically experienced at the hands of men with a bruised pride.
If the woman who ghosted you has been a victim of or a witness to abuse in her lifetime, try not to take it personally. She probably has a level of fear that revolves around her interactions with men, and ghosting feels like a safer alternative.
Are Ghosts Too Busy or Just Lazy?
Honestly, does it matter? Whether she’s hustling in her career working 80-hour weeks, or has been on her couch in the same pair of sweatpants all weekend—the fact is she hasn’t made time for you in her life. She may be actively ignoring you, AKA ghosting, or she may just have a mile-long priority list that doesn’t include you.
Will one scenario stings less than the other? I doubt it. It hurts when someone you were developing feelings for doesn’t reciprocate, no matter what the circumstances are.
That being said, I’m a proponent of second chances. If someone who ghosted you reaches out with an apology and a valid explanation for being absent, why not give it one more date? That is if you still see potential in the relationship, of course.
How Do I Avoid Being Ghosted?
The use of dating apps has created a lot of lazy daters. We pick up our phones and sometimes getting a date is as easy as ordering a pizza. If we don’t catch the other person’s attention within a few messages, they get bored and move on to the next app. We have thousands of possible matches in our pocket. We may give it a few dates, and if that person doesn’t blow our mind, we start swiping again.
It’s all pretty indicative of where we are as a society in terms of instant gratification.
But there is good news! There are alternatives to the monotony of endless swiping, texting, and eventual ghosting.
At The Setup, we combine age-old matchmaking principles with proven sociological technologies to match you with the partner you’ve always dreamed of.
The main reason that ghosting is so prevalent in recent years, is because we’re meeting complete strangers at an unprecedented rate. Previous generations met their mates through mutual friends, family members, church, work, and school. They typically had at least one other person in common with their date.
Take the following situation for example:
Let’s say your Aunt set you up with a young woman from her church. If you were rude on your date, or you completely disappeared on the woman, it’s likely that she will complain to your Aunt about your behavior. Your Aunt would then hold you accountable and you would face consequences.
When you date strangers from the internet with no mutual connections, there is little to no accountability, and people feel free to behave in ways they probably wouldn’t if their Aunt was privy to the situation.
Ghosting is less likely to occur if there is an additional person both parties have to answer to, like a nosey aunt, or a specially-trained Matchmaker.
Your personal Matchmaker will not only work to introduce you to your ideal partner, but will also follow up with you and your matches to provide expert coaching and advice. Our priority is helping you find genuine, lasting love. No ghosting allowed!
The Online Dating App-idemic
Move over COVID, there’s a new epidemic in town. The Online Dating App-idemic affects single people of all ages and walks of life, but Millennials are especially vulnerable.
About 80% of human communication is non-verbal.
When you’re meeting and flirting online, you lose all sense of body language. It’s also difficult to discern things like sarcasm and playfulness, so conversations often feel boring or confusing.
Scary Stories
Every time you pick up your phone it’s a gamble. One minute it’s a funny gif from The Office, the next it’s a close up of a stranger’s genitals. Ask your friends, I guarantee they have at least one dating app disaster story.
- Erin agreed to pick up her date after he told her he wasn’t medically cleared to drive. When she arrived, she realized he was just really really drunk.
- Maddi carries an EpiPen for her shellfish allergy. On her first date with a doctor, he tried to feed her shrimp off his plate. When she politely, but insistently refused, he declined a second date.
- Alex’s date told him she just started a new job. When he asked her what she had been doing previously, she said just one word—prison.
- Liam used a photo from his own wedding as his profile picture. He didn’t even crop his ex-wife out entirely.
- The day before Christina’s date, he texted to ask what kind of food she liked. She said, “I’m not picky, I like everything except seafood!” She thought it was weird that he took her to Red Lobster, until the bill came. He whipped out a gift certificate.
Option Overload
In his book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Mark Manson says, "Basically, the more options we're given, the less satisfied we become with whatever we choose because we're aware of all the other options we're potentially forfeiting."
This is known as the Paradox of Choice.
According to the Association for Psychological Science, critiquing multiple candidates causes people to be more judgmental. This makes you more likely to dismiss a perfectly good candidate for something trivial.
This can also have an effect on commitment. When you have access to hundreds of potential dates in your pocket, how do you stay focused on one person? Is there motivation to work through the hard times or will people start giving up on long-term relationships, constantly chasing the honeymoon phase?
Is the grass greener on the other side?
When asked to choose between a committed relationship or something casual, 87% of women, and 61% of men said they wanted a serious relationship. The problem is the apps are designed to make you crave quantity over quality.
App Addiction
Each time you feel your phone go off, your brain gives you a small hit of dopamine. That means physiologically, online dating gets you hooked in the same way addictive substances do.
One study showed the average Tinder user spends over 90 minutes per day swiping and chatting in the app. Another report says Millennials spend about 10 hours per week online dating. That’s like having a #sidehustle you don’t get paid for.
There is a gamification element to swiping as well. Whenever you get a notification, it feels like you’ve won somehow. Even if you have no intention of ever meeting that person, just the match alone gives you a fix. This is how people get addicted to things like video games and gambling.
In fact, dating apps were designed with the same psychological principles as Vegas slot machines. They hijack your pleasure centers and create a false reward system.
Think about it, how many times have you deleted and reinstalled your go-to app? It creates a toxic environment where the app makes you feel bad about yourself, so you delete it. Then, you start feeling lonely, and that makes you feel bad too. So you download it all over again.
“People who self-described as having really addictive-style behaviors toward the internet and cell phones scored much higher on depression and anxiety scales. With growing support for the connection between technology use and mental health, the relationship between motivation for cell phone or internet use and well-being warrants further exploration.” -Alejandro Lleras
The number of bots and spam accounts would shock you. Some apps even hire employees who chat with users under fake profiles in order to engage them in the app more.
Rejection Remorse
In a 2010 study, researchers at Rutgers University found that looking at your ex triggers the same part of the brain as a cocaine addiction, creating an obsession with romantic rejection. About half of all messages go unanswered, so people are experiencing rejection on an unprecedented level.
"This phenomenon is a legacy of our hunter-gatherer past, when we lived in nomadic tribes. Back when a person couldn't survive alone without their tribe, "rejection served as an early warning system that alerted us we were in danger of being ostracized—of being voted off the island."
-Dr. Guy Winch, Psychologist and Author of Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts
Before the apps, people had to take a chance and flirt in person, so they might get rejected a few times at a bar on Friday night. Now, they might get rejected 5 times by their phone while they’re sitting in a bar also being shot down. That will take a toll on the most confident person’s self-esteem.
Did you know that one third of online daters have never met anyone IRL that they matched with on the apps?
Bad Behavior
The screen gives users a sense of anonymity, which often leads to them acting out in ways they probably wouldn’t otherwise. There’s a certain level of anonymity to online dating. Most of the time, you’re swiping, messaging, and meeting complete strangers. You likely don’t have common friends and run in very different circles.
This allows one to pull off a disappearing act quite easy. Over half of today’s daters claim to have first-hand experience with Ghosting, many going a step further to Haunting.
Out of 1,000 people surveyed, 53% admitted to lying on their profile.
Going beyond typical bad behavior, there is a darker side to the internet.
Romance scams reached new heights in 2020. Scammers saw how many Americans were stuck in quarantine, and they acted. The Federal Trade Commission reported a record $304 million lost in romance scams throughout 2020. That’s up 50% from the previous year.
Whether it’s a light case of hatfishing or a deep fake, the internet is filled with liars and phonies.
“Women should be aware that they probably will receive rude/disgusting messages from horny guys, sexual propositions/requests, nude pics, and a lot of creepy vibes.” -Ryan Anderson, Ph.D
It’s not uncommon to receive messages on apps containing vulgar or abusive content. Explicit requests, violent threats, unsolicited nudes...it’s like the Wild West of sexual harassment out there. Please, be safe.
Estimates show at the rate things are going, by 2040 70% of couples will have met online. So, online dating isn't going away anytime soon. If anything, they will probably get more Black Mirror-y as artificial intelligence evolves.
So, what do you say? Are you ready to get off the apps and into a meaningful relationship? Stop swiping, and join The Setup today!